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Behind the walls of Memory! Mystical Autistic recalls…

Having a “Slow Motion” terminal illness..Such as Cardiovascular disease.  which has brought me to this current state of decline…???

Seems to in fact bring up all of that~ “Past life Flashing before Your Eyes!” kinda’ ‘Urban Myth’ one hears.. Or might read stories of?  That does in fact seem to be happening with me, just lately.

Keeping time with the pace of my dying.  It’s a really weird frigging thing!  Hahahaha! I’m kinda’ “Tripping out” on the fact of it.

But anyway.. Had a Doctors appointment today, and his questioning “Brought up” that I had survived a fairly serious type of Abdominal Cancer at age 34, or so.. That’s all a matter of record somewhere still, actually. As I am stilled carried in this State Data Base, or maybe its the University Hospital, State University “teaching and research” hospital that has those records. But I’m in the State Tumor registry from way back then. They used to want me to give a blood test every 6 months to make sure I was staying Cancer free.. I have Surgical clips inside my stomach still today, because of “appliances” that I was hooked up to to keep my right kidney alive and repair the bladder; part of which had been removed..

Almost died before I even knew that I had cancer, being a healthy Fly fishing and Bow hunting Guide who spent on average 250 days a year on the water or in the woods.

I got SERIOUSLY into growing MEDICINAL CANNABIS, High THC specifically after that.. Didn’t want to keep doing the blood tests as I HATE GETTING STUCK with fucking needles. Been through way too much a’ that shit in my life. Had read about the “Cannabis/anti Cancer” link, and wanted to believe that anyway.. So I decided to use Cannabis, maintain a steady buzz daily, basically.. As a “vaccination”. An “Immunization AGAINST CANCER”.

Seems to have worked out good for me, because I have in fact stayed cancer free, when the odds were highly in favor against that after the 10 year mark had past.  I had an aggressive type Cancer with a high tendency to reoccur.. They even had it it “Graphed out” on this Chart at the Cancer Center I was doing Chemo at,  before the actual surgery that removed the tumor.  They had my whole life planned out for me, kinda’.  They were sure that only by following their ‘Rules’ did I have much hope of staying Cancer free over 8 to 10 years. It always came back..

But?  Autistic me said “Fuck alla’ that kinda’ bullshit!”. I will do this my way or no way, period.  Hahahaha!  IDIOT!~savant… Got a truckload a’ idiot and a 5 gallon buckets worth a’ “Savant”.  Seriously!

I grew and smoked a whole lotta’ fine Cannabis instead, and that Cancer never come back on me.. That ain’t whats killing me now.. I guess that I would have been a great “Case History”, if it had been a part of some controlled studied…

This Cardiovascular disease I did get?  Who knows where that came from?  Maybe something in the way my genes expressed, didn’t express some quality that naturally protects the majority of people on Earth from ever getting it. My smoking cigarettes all of these years wouldn’t have helped matters any, AT ALL. I’ve always known that that was about the stupidest, most harmful thing that I was DOING TO MYSELF!

Just never did care, Figured out real young that EVERYBODY died from something. A whole lotta’ people never see it coming. I’m really frigging grateful to be awake, and still  “Paying attention”..   Observing the process. Curious AS FUCK! trying to understand the whole process in all of its parts.. Its really quite interesting, this whole process of dying. I don’t mind at all, not really It has totally got my “OBSESSION” hooked up. Wanting to UNDERSTAND more than anything else..”What the heck is this all about? How does this REALLY WORK?” This whole ‘body dying’ gig..??? How does this WORK???”

Yeah  Autistic to the 10th fucking power, no doubt in my twisted mind at all about that fact a’ life..

I have been stuck on the SAME DAMNED QUESTION all of the days of my life, basically.. That is just sooo FUCKING STRANGE!  Whoa.

Whats up with that BULLSHIT?  I do often wonder. Still stuck on the first question a’ the test. What the fucking FUCK???   Is going on around here, anyway?

Anybody else gotta’ clue?

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The Non Verbal Divergent.. Merging in the Ambient..

1 am.. In the quiet of this moment…?  Feeling some HUGE Gratitude… Like WAVES IN THE OCEAN!  Washing over me…

Met one one of the “Holy Mothers”.  Mother of  a “Wild Boy “, who do not easily connect…A Quiet little Monkey Boy.  I can remember being JUST THAT exactly.

My daughter also on the Divergent,  “Cornelia de Lange Syndrome” her diagnosis… Very sad for me, that… As she is severely affected, mentally, physically, emotionally, and primarily non verbal… 17 years old.. Aleia Sephine O’Neil.. 8~16~01… Not expected to double her years…

HOWLING FUCKING SHRIEKING WIND… It rips me, rends me into pieces…

Please? DO NOT EVER ASK ME TO TALK ABOUT HER … I block all thinking of my daughter, as best I can manage.. I want to die.. It just hurts so fucking much.. I’m am going to die real soon, for her..

If you are a “Good One?  A kind one?” Like Monkeynism’s Holy Mother is?  I would see you in the reading of your words, about YOUR child… Maybe then I could talk to you about my Quiet One more personally…???

I don’t know.. I don’t know how I live with this pain right now? Why don’t I just die?

This one time, I should speak.   For that woman, Mother of  a little brother. One time I will make myself remember..

Think maybe I could share some things about that.. To be, Non Verbal… From 2 perspectives?  I didn’t know what I knew!  Until AFTER having some time to contemplate myself..  What was I doing? Talking to that lady like that?  Monkeynism.  I loved that word!  Its weird.. I mean, I know exactly why I did it, her words!  Her words caught me, how she spoke of her son and I could see myself in that, Remember doing some of the exact same things..  Obsession? COMPULSION!  I had to say “something”, so did.

Don’t know if anything that I do know?  Can be any help for other people.. It is always different in the details.   I learned to communicate “effectively” through the medium of a keyboard and this screen.. Which translated directly to actually “talking like Normal People do”, in those STRUCTURED conversations….I needed to see just the words on the screen.. Other peoples words “in real time”..

But I diverge, excuse me..

I cannot not be autistic, even on this silly screen..HA!  I am soo “kinky!” Every little thing in the world, I get weird about.. Its frigging hilarious, really! What in the hell were those idiot Doctors,  NEUROS AND EVEN WORSE, those arrogant idiot Psychiatrists thinking?

Like, they could change anything about me?  Hahahaha!  After a lifetime of every single little thing that I do with some kinda’ Autistic kink to it,  over the whole range of emotional states .. 62 Years trying to do the same damn things, in the same orders exactly. From the time my eyes open in the morn.  Having all of the same extreme emotional reactions to the same exact things, everything having to be JUST SO!  or I should nuke it. Hydrogen bombs would work for me, if ya’ know what I mean..

Those  midget minded medical morons.. I feel sorry for them, kinda’. Know they had no choice about those sub par intellects that the genetic dice expressed in them. But there ain’t a one of them whose face I’d even piss in iffin’ their hair was on fire… Just sayin’.

What the fuck were they thinking? It still fucks with me, that 1 question.. I think I mighta’ copped a wee bit a’ resentment… Hahahaha!

But!  In this here and now, its all good. They could only work with the few brain cells that they had between them.. I can laugh those guys off today.. I mean, I try to be kind and nice to the mentally disabled I sometimes run into. Them Doctors really ain’t no different.. Same kinda’ disability, just more severely impacted, bless their hearts anyway.

In hell. With boiling oil!  Hahaha!

My daughter and I.. we had the most incredible close relationship, in part because I was her primary care giver in the very beginning. She had some major medical issues over the first 3 years and then she turned a corner Neurologically.  Her body began to maintain a stable temp.. Her first year she’d be whatever the air temperature was if possible, and could suddenly jump up to 103.5 or 4 or higher. Unable to regulate her own body temperature.. kick her into Febrile seizures. Her heart stopped a couple of times. I got her going again both times.. The reptile I’d been married to couldn’t hardly bring herself to touch Aleia, the seizures and medical stuff could send her into hysterics..  I had got certified in infant and child CPR and advanced first aide. Read everything that I could find about her condition..

I don’t get “Normies” at all.. She was a terrible mother, emotionally unavailable and cold hearted.. Blaming me for Aleia’s condition, though she never said that out loud, she always referred to Aleia as “Your Daughter” when she was pissed off at Aleia and so dumping on me..

Aleia Sephine.. I carried her pretty much all day everyday. I had to carry her, so I could feel her temperature with MY SKIN, so I could KNOW! all of the time that she was okay! Had many an 8 hour plus day, being my girls horse.. Did the Mozart and Bach for Babies.. First 18 months of her life she listened to classical music ..All I played, almost all day long.. Danced for frigging hours and held her until my arms hurt.

Aleia RESPONDED to That music mentally and PHYSICALLY.. I swear that it really did help her. She could stay calm for hours, didn’t matter what I did around the house, so long as she was “intent” upon that music… I know… for a fact that by 18 months she had perfect “Musical timing”.. The Rhythm. She likes precise order to sounds.

Forever after that time? If she started to have a “melt down?  I could put on the Mozart and pick her up in a bear hug so’s she couldn’t hurt me and then just dance with her, sing to her.. It was like magic!  She couldn’t keep that meltdown up for 4 minutes, and she would quit trying to poke out my eyes…

She weighed 3 lbs 11 ounces when we were finally able to take her home.. All kinds of machine hooked up to her, a nurse coming in Daily. Really nice lady she was, too. Aleia wasn’t expected to live so they let us take her home.. Put the whole kit and caboodle right along my side a’ the bed. Autistic me, SENSITIVE to the lightest little “hitch” in her breathing, I couldn’t let her just die on me. I dunno’ if I ever really “slept” all the way, the first 2 years or so..

I always had a “sense” of her presence.. First time I had ever experienced anything like that! Autistic me wouldn’t ever let go of it.

So I dunno’.  She and I had a real close PHYSICAL proximity the first 3 years for sure. I have wondered, did that create some kind of fine, unconscious connection,, Like our personal electromagnetic fields would merge into one field when we were close?  I seem to always have a “physical sense” of her, of her physical state, if she is anywhere close I could feel her a quarter mile away from me, up at the ranch, when she would run off and play in the woods..

After she got mobile forget about it. Hahaha! She came to me all the time when she wanted to be held. Or wanted something. That was it! She hit the ground running!. Then she learned how to “point” and I mean she knew exactly what she wanted if it was in our next door neighbors back yard. If she pointed? She damn sure wanted something, so I’d carry her around following her finger until we got to wherever it wanted to go and I could see want she wanted. Non Verbals? I think may have something like “Eidetic, or Photographic memory. Aleia remembered everything that SHE was interested in, in any way.. Her parents were shit outta’ luck though… Set her down and she was headed elsewhere. We could count on it.

My ex could never do anything with Aleia without her flipping out and I do mean flip out! Hurt herself, hurt anyone else, tear up anything she could get her little hands on. I was in AWE sometimes, because she is a “tiny person”, one of the impacts of her syndrome.. at 17 shes about the same size as the average 10 year old girl..  She seems to have kind of “matured” to about a 12 year old’s body..

I think… that always happened when my ex would get that “serious” attitude.. I have seen Aleias face change when she saw that look come up on her Moms face or mine. I didn’t register people like that at all, when I was small.. Aleia registers every Face at least 1 time, but if she doesn’t like what she see’s that first time she’s permanently ‘Over” that person. She won’t look at their face ever again.. Seriously. She never forgets. Never will be half as close emotionally to her mother because I’m sure that she can still remember those early days..

The thing is.. At about 3 years old, when her seizures stopped, and she started to be able to pull herself up on things.. I always kind of knew what was going on with her, emotionally, and she almost never “disassociated” with me or flipped out.  I have wondered sometimes recently, If I could have any similar experience with another quiet one?  I did sometimes “get lost with “Aliea.. When she would “get that tunnel vision focus on something. there were quite a few times where I would stay close but on a 90 degree angle, so that I watch her eyes and facial expressions. . I could sometimes get right into it with her.. And it sometimes “came to me” exactly WHY  she was doing that. Because I see my self doing that action myself…. Her reasoning behind that action. I don’t know if I could talk about it after though. I would lose my words too. . I forget.. Long time ago.. I could lie right beside her in the dirt, and look at these boulders.. Lichen covered boulders with that orange yellow Lichen?  Were like friggin’ magnets to that Girl.. I think it was the color, and the complexity of the surface that would fascinate her.. Or maybe ants! There were always little ants and mites associated with the boulders surface area.  She ended up being all the way obsessed about this one kind  of  Army Ant” , they got reddish orange fur on them and DAMN CAN THEY HURT YOU! Hell of a potent bite, sting? I think they could do both..

Aleia got zapped about 3 times before she learned “Don’t touch! Owie Owie!”  What I would tell her.. And then she was just in love with those ants forever after. Could follow one around for hours. I never tried to stop her from doing what she wanted to do, unless I thought that it might lead to serious injury. Always did speak to her matter of fact, I’d warn her in words. Let her climb the Pinions and Junipers, and so she fell outta’ trees sometimes. Could tumble head over heels down some steep hillside she decided to climb for no good reasons that I could see. I would give her some warning, and then let her go. She did learn from her own mistakes, most certainly. Gave up on climbing trees for no clear purpose after falling out of a few.  Figured out what every kinda’ Cactus was in the area.. By feel.. I dunno’ how many hundreds, thousands off frigging Cactus spines I tweezered out of her little hands. She was very “tactile”. She had a bad habit of grabbing things with both hands, the first time she’ noticed something interesting and new to her. Learned about Bees and Wasps by grabbing them..About 3 times she’d have to get get herself hurt by whatever, before she got the “clue” and would stop grabbing at whatever it was… But her Mom thought, a lot of people thought that I wasn’t a “fit Parent”, because Aleia always had “dings” in her hide. Scrapes, bruises, scabs on her knees and elbows were like a permanent fixture of her skin.

They decided that I wasn’t “Responsible enough” in my Autism, to parent my own divergent child… Who they will never know or understand as I did know and understand her.. I loved her with every atom of my being…

The courts bought into all of the bullshit and lies my ex “put on display” before them.. And the “STATE” terminated my custody rights…

I could kill the whole world, for that act against me, and mine… I dream about killing people a lot.. Walking through town and killing every single human monster I can find…

 

 

We had nothing but good times, as long as we did what she wanted to do, and Autistic me was good with whatever. She liked to go fishing with me, and the first time that I let her catch a fish, that became her new favorite “outdoor thing”.. I couldn’t hold my own fishing pole after that, because it was ALEIAS!  She was learning some words. She was fascinated by the Red and white bobbers, and me casting them out.. And then it just disappeared when this trout took the bait.. I was playing the fish in And Aleia stepped right out into space going after the Bobber,  fell into the lake instead.. And maybe a week later, I was feeding her lunch.. I’d found some awesome grapes, which were a favorite of Aleia’s since the first one.. But she had never learned any of the names of fruits or anything. And I gave her grapes for desert because she would have to play with them..Almost like a tactile thing.. She would roll them around under her palms on the table. Sometimes she would ‘group them’ up.. So I was sitting there and she picked up a grape and turned and looked me right in the eye, which she would only do if she wanted something from me.. And she held the grape up and said  ‘Bobber?”  in a questioning tone… I about shit myself!   My little monkey never did stuff like that.. But grapes have been “Bobbers” ever since.. Its a trip.. Grapes are more oblong than round, and she only wanted the green seedless kind. Only green. No other color would do for her.. And my bobbers were all that standard red and white.. I dunno’ what the connection was for her? But she was finding words all on her own sometimes. But, the word was often just like that grape bobber deal. Kinda’ of related, but “not quite”.. Although for a time, in the grocery store all of the small round fruits were bobbers. She had to go to each display and then reach and touch just 1 fruit with her fingertip and say ‘Bobber”.. And sounding very happy about it each time. And then she would stop and just look astounded at the water melons. The mother of all grapes? Mother of all Bobbers?  I dunno what she thought. But she could zone out on watermelons.

She was my favorite obsession ever . While it was the total opposite with her mother.. Not that she was all Angel with me either. Damn! She hurt me a bunch of times when she got pissed off. Poke me in the eyes a lot before she got mobile. Used to bite the hell out of me, until I finally got tired of it and bit her back a good one on her fore arm, just the same as she had just bit mine. She drew blood biting me that time. So I bit her back, and asked her how she liked it?  Surprised the hell out out her too. She walked around giving me dirty looks for hours after.  But I don’t think that she ever bit me again either, after that time. She damn sure did learn things fast,  if the lesson sufficiently attracted her attention.  And MONKEY?  Holy shit could that girl climb! Scared the hell outta me one day, climbing way the hell up this Spruce tree.  50 feet up it easy.  Could get into any cupboard, on top of any cabinet. Push chairs over, stack boxes, whatever it took. But she could only climb up!  She didn’t like to climb down.  I was always having to climb up and retrieve her out of whatever jam she gotten herself stuck in….Strong willed doesn’t even come close to describing her.  She was more of  a “Terminator model”, child.  She had to get into every single little nook and cranny.  Take everything apart as far as it could go. Learned how to unlock every kinda’ child proofing cupboard or whatever..

That’s why I sold all of my guns. I couldn’t trust she wasn’t gonna’ find the keys to the trigger guards, because she could get into all kinds of things.. And NON Verbal.. Her first word was “Pa” for me, for me at a little over 3.. But she was damn sure thinking like a little demon child sometimes.. You could not let her out of your sight, ever! She could disappear so fast..  But I always knew what was up with her. When she would “zone out” on something, get that total “focus lock”. Could be anything but especially crystals or those little prism cut things? If  she saw a moving light pattern on the wall it would just lock her her up, she’d move right over to that wall , eyes never leaving that light pattern.. I knew exactly what was going on with her,  after a few times of seeing how her eyes moved with it and how she placed her body.. I could see her trying to figure out how it worked.. I think she was about 5 when she got that Crystal Prism off of the curtain rod, took it into the kitchen. My sneaky little monkey had gotten into my tool box out in the garage. Which was “OFF LIMITS!” locked up too. Got my framing hammer out.. She had stole the keys out of my ex wifes purse… I did apply the hand of knowledge to that diapered seat of education THAT time.. I had put in this gorgeous Mexican Tile.. In just the kitchen area.. and this is about 5:30 am on a Sunday morning with nobody else awake, yet..  Until she started beating that crystal, and 3 damned tiles shattered too! That first ‘BAM BAM BAM! Woke us up, but I sat there too long trying figure out “What the fuck?’

Aleia, I am sure that she was trying to figure out where that light came from, and that busting that crystal open was the next step, because she couldn’t “get it”.  Just looking at it wasn’t producing any info, so she was taking it to the next level.. Non Verbal? Verbal? It don’t matter what type.. Curiosity seems to be  ‘The prime directive” We must understand. We don’t ever give up.  Can’t be deflected hardly.. And we can be World Class “Sneaky”  Or very determined “rare”  book thieves at 5 years old.

3 tiles right in the middle, dead center of MY  KITCHEN.. Damn! My feelings are still hurt! .. The next tiles didn’t quite match in tint.. Irritated me for as long as I owned that house.. I dunno’ if anybody ever had a Monkey Girl like mine.. Non Verbal! With the most awesome powers of destruction you have ever seen! Flooded the bathrooms I dunno how many times. Remote controls, phones, flashlights, and she would first take everything apart to the smallest pieces that she could before she flushed it all.. No women’s purse was ever safe in our house. Aleia would snag it if she half a chance and flush everything in it. Pull out all the credit cards, drivers license, MONEY! and flush all of that stuff first. Had to disable the bathroom door locks, because she started locking the door behind her when she was “on a mission” 3,4, 5.. She is so lucky that I was her Father because I think that most people would have sold her to the circus or something. Duct tape her compliant and leave her on some churches front porch in the middle of the night.

Then she finally noticed the tv, and things got a little easier. It had been there all along but she’d not cared .. Until she saw that damned Purple Dinosaur.. I used to some times fantasize about meeting the mind that came up that torturous crap and just popping him. A good right hook.  Those Muppets.. There were days I considered vomiting on her dear little head. She has a similar number thing as I do, I believe.  With the numbers. Because she learned real fast what time was, what time HER favorite 3 shows  started, and what time they ended too.

I must admit.. That Dora the Explorer, That was a good show!  Hahahaha! It was helping me pick up some Spanish.. And, Fuck..I dunno. Aleia would sit in my lap, she Loved Dora.. I think maybe that she wanted to be Dora. If I was sitting on the couch centered before the tv when “HER SHOW!” started she would climb right up into my lap and stay there until her sow ended.. I was like “furniture” sometimes.. Not registering in her surface awareness, because her inner focus could be so “elsewhere”.. But I loved those times when she was all relaxed on peaceful on her own, so I would put myself in the way, just to be her chair.

I also discovered that I couldn’t skip a page and hurry the bedtime story any. She had memorized the whole story. In every single book that she liked, I couldn’t even skip a single Paragraph, or she’d get all upset!  And what an asshole that I was! Fuck! Skipping pages in the bedtime story…  Hahaha! I couldn’t wait to get her to bed because by that time of night I was wanting a fat joint and 3 beers badly.. Thats what it friggin’ was.. I wouldn’t smoke around her or even in the house, She had to be napping or something. But still.. What a scumbag move on my part.. Skipping pages? Somebody should come over here and “tune me up” a little. Punch me right in the nose.. She had about a 500 book library before she was born, and books became one of her quirks. She loved them, wanted to keep them all. She started “Losing” library books.. Found herself a secret hiding spot for them.. WAS 6 months before I found her spot, and found not only the missing books, but a whole collection of ‘The little Golden Books”. She’d apparently help herself to 1 or 2 just about every time we went to the library..Stuff them under her shirt, my thieving little Monkey!

I had a Brat Monkey.   She had a big toy box at the foot of her bed, Twin bed by then.. It had a big hollow space underneath it that I hadn’t know was there, until one day I saw that one end a’ that box was about an inch off of the floor, and wondered why?.. She had something like 40 books under it.. 5 years old, and we damn sure were trying to keep an eye on her, and she still managed to steal all of those books. And I was the guilty, BAD PARENT.. Damn it.. I almost don’t want to be honest.. Fuck… Our library had a kids section with its own desk and the greatest women who staffed it. Still does here. And I had kinda’.. maybe..well actually it became a thing where I’d drop Aleia off with the librarians, who all adored her, and I jet off to the adult section just to get a break! Hahahahaha! Fuck me! But those Women were not equipped to protect their property from My little Monkey.. I paid about 60 bucks for what she “lost” of checked out books that I did not get any refund on, Aleia got to keep those.. That was rude! I had taken all of those other books back. I shoulda’ held them for ransom.

She could not stay clean. If she saw a puddle of muddy water she had to get in it. Would take off for the door to get outside if it started raining.. But she didn’t like to wear dirty clothes, and I never could figure out her reasoning there. I sat on the front porch in the dry and watched her.. She’d play in that puddle until she was a mud bug then she’d get all mad at her clothes and stomp out of the puddle only go about 10 feet and start ripping her cloths off in a Frenzy! Extreme anger! As soon as she’d got naked she would stomp, and I do mean stomp both ways, she had an attitude going on! But as soon as she jumped back into that mud puddle naked? She’s was all joyful and splashing.. Aleia..  I actually did call her “Monkey Butt”, or  “Boo boo Butkin”  I have no clue why,  its just me being weird with these word things again..

There was often a very particular reason she would do some of these things which were never apparent at first sight.. You wouldn’t ever make the connection unless you were really paying attention and observant of all her behaviors.. I was a lot like  that maybe, except I generally never knew what it was I was after. I would follow my feelings.. I seem to be sensitive “emotionally”.. I rejected the notion for years..  I didn’t wanna’ be one of “Those Autistics.”

 

I finally noticed that those 3 library books we got stuck with had something in common that lead to a series of other discoveries. She had “deeper” underlying reasons for those books, and it was “Fairys”.. Like Tinkerbell.. Some other kind of Garden Fairys,  I friggin’ forget the 3rd just now, brain fogging..

But that all led to the “Botanical Gardens and that “Butterfly Room”.. And river walks off trail, she’s like me that way she wants to be off trail. Used to have to watch out for her taking off her shoes and throwing them away if it was a grassy.. She loved walking barefoot in the grass, did not want to wear shoes, and more than once was throwing shoes out the cars windows before we got halfway to the park.. Her little sippie cups? Those quit going on car rides. She hit this women in mustang convertible one day who actually called the damned cops on us.. It was an empty sippie cup too. She kept them until they were empty, then just wing it.. Didn’t matter where she was when that  happened.. Hit that woman right upside the head and she about went off the road. Poor lady.

Discipline! Ouch… That girl.. Just what I deserved, maybe.. Punishment for my sins.. I don’t think that there’s ever been a child that could pretty much trash anything and start trouble anywhere.. Day after Day after Day.  She was all about be consistent..I think a Normie Dad might have beat her to death,  or sold her to slave traders or something.. Seriously. Just mind blowing, how a child so small could do so much damage.  She was trying to figure out how stuff worked, she wanted to understand something about whatever it was… And her taking things apart as far as she could was kind of like her “break”, just like me, except I do the ‘Altered state and just blank out.. I know the correct medical term for it but it keeps running away from me.. Sign I need to go to bed 4am now.. 3 hours solid of writing to ‘Other people’ this time!  Cool me!

Can’t sleep.. so back..   My ex used to get upset with my  “style” of parenting.. Marrying a “Normative”   ?? She was maybe the worst mistake that I ever made, but that’s neither here nor there. Other people even,  sometimes would “chastise” me about that “style”.. But I think that it really helped her learn, some healthy behavior.. I know that it really calmed her down.. After the divorce I had taken a Care taker, basically a live in security guard on this ranch way outside a town,  Had to have a high clearance 4×4 to even get there, at the very end a the road. No cattle being run there for years, but a lot of high dollar farm and ranch stuff, shop full of tools and yada yada yada…

Aleia totally loved it! Could spend all day kind of carefully slow hiking and really getting into stuff sometimes.. She’d find things, pick them up and would not let go, wouldn’t even let them touch the ground again… If she had to pee she would give whatever it was to me to “hold it up!” ..

And she was always “banged up”.. Scabs on both knees, both elbows , chin, tip of her nose, and I missed how she did that one but  it was like she had “sand papered it down”.. I didn’t ever try to control her much,, I let her be just like I was when I had a chance to be free a little while as a kid.. And I dunno’.. I do kinda’ feel guilty, and am not wanting to… THIS TIME RIGHT NOW IS WHEN i LOSE MY WORDS..

When I start to feel scared of what people will think of me?  Even my hands don’t want to work right, and typing becomes very slow, and hard..

But! The Ranch owner had acquired this young German Shepard, owner a real idiot when it came to dogs, had him chained  up to the tool shop.. First thing that I did when I took over was turn him lose and bury the Chain.. That dog was “Jake”.. a little over one year old, I think he had mostly been chained up out there.. AND HE LOVED ME! holy shit! It was like I was his hero.. I think there must be something special about German Shepards.  He was a purebred , from a working line, not a show dog.. Smarter than most of the people I ever met.. I ended up thinking that dog could read minds.. He’d never really been trained, never in the house, never been around kids.. And he was a big rowdy, loved to play rough German Shepard. Far outweighed Aleia.. But he could learn any command in a minute. He was so responsive to emotions. Always watching our faces.. And Damn!  That Dog LOVED!  Amazing Jake…

I was really keeping an eye them at first, scared of how Aliea might hurt him, and he had a hellacious set a teeth on him.. But it was like he knew! I swear, his whole attitude and energy would “chill’, he was very sensitive to her the first time that they met.. Aleia didn’t want anything much to do with him,  ever. That dog would actually HERD HER LIKE A SHEEP sometimes, to keep her away from something he didn’t like the looks of. He would herd her away from Cactus, for example.. He use body English and Aleia always pushed back against him with her hands, but wouldn’t look him in the face for the longest time. She was definitely jealous of Jake and me.. Funny thing was, that kind of led to her starting a relationship with him..

And over the next couple of years he got big and bad ass! Got into it with 2 Coyotes that came right up in front of the house after him. I’d seen the 1, and at the ranch then I had some guns.   I ran for my shotgun.  A section of the Ranch got leased to an outfit that raised goats, and sheep.. Coyote population moved away from that area and their Great Pyrenese??  Guard dogs I think, some into my 640 acres. Jake did need some stitches, the vet, after the fight.. But he won that fight no doubt, probably gave 1 of the coyote pair fatal injuries ..One had a broken leg I saw as they ran away. There was some blood trail.. left a blood trail..

I ended up letting Aleia run around wherever she wanted to go, all by herself, because Jake had adopted her. If I had custody that week? Jake was with with Aleia.  He did that all by himself, from first sight. He wouldn’t let her out of his sight if she was on the ranch.

I had a giant bed, like a king sized extra long mattress,  plenty of room for the dog, so I’d always let him sleep there.. Aleia was not happy about that.  She had her own perfectly nice bed in her own bedroom, but she didn’t even want Jake sleeping on my bed. She’d get between him and me , back full length against him and then start trying to push Jake off of the bed, all the while looking me dead in the eye with that ‘Challenge Me!’ Hard ass look she would get when she was doing something that she thought I might not approve of. She was ready to fight about it!  But Aleia weighed about 38 pounds then, and Jake was over 90 pounds at a year, and got a lot bigger. I dunno how much , but Aleia couldn’t budge Jake . Dog thought that she was playing with him and he’d just dig in his paws and push back against here , get all to wiggling against her, tail slapping her. He just loved to play with her. Aleia could get so pissed off at that dogs tail wagging!  Went Psycho on him once, Jake always did think that she was playing with him, and get so excited and start running those high speed circles around her and dodging in and out, bumping her with his nose, knock her right on her butt sometimes.. Aleia just couldn’t win with Jake. He was too big and tough, every time she went off on him he thought that was play.  Aleia kept trying to push him off of the bed, and it was like she finally GAVE UP!  Kinda’.  She would still get between us, but she started to just falling asleep beside him… She never did “like him” really.. I thought.. But there were maybe 3 times I  ‘caught her’ behind him just digging into with both hands scratching and kneeding Jakes neck.. With this really “Rapt” Look on her face, because, I think it was that darn dog was GROANING ‘ almost quivering with pleasure.. And I know my daughter, and recognized the behavior, and how it started. She had attacked from behind him,  trying to pull his hair out and hurt him! She done that to me often enough.

Jake must have started groaning, thinking hes getting the best neck rub ever,  and that “Hooked”  Aleia.. She was fascinated by his doing that.. It was obvious that she was enjoying herself.. And her behavior mellowed towards him big time.. It was an amazing thing.. Incredible Dog, that particular Shepard.. Did I be in good health I would want to try to find a dog just like him…He was such a dork with her, he just adored her. Aleia just couldn’t hurt him, couldn’t push him off of the bed, and she finally gave up and just started sleeping with him.

My girl? She doesn’t quit..

Featured post

The “Curse of Labeling”. How “Professional Medicine” harms the “Neurally Divergent” community.

N.D.  We Neurally Divergent ones.. Endies!  ‘Because we just Endied up all over the genetic spectrum of what it is to be a Human Being.

Which a lot of “Genetic Normative’s” don’t know much about.  Much more harmful to the Genetically Divergent Community, are those people who think that they do know something.

The Medical Community.  Those doctors and researcher’s have hurt more Autistic types by their thinking that they can know, in their stupidity, than they ever “helped” by their practice of “Labeling” alone.

Labeling divides and categorizes. Attaches arbitrary values to each category, which promulgates the spread of misinformation which hurts everyone personally on the Neurally divergent, and has caused grave harm which still continues today. The medical community has a bad habit of  “making things up”…

“Traits” Behavioral  “Types”.   ???

I think that no non~divergent “Type” Medical Professional , could ever accurately define the “Real Meaning” behind any behavior they might witness in any Neural Divergent Human.

Their sense of the world is limited to their own Neural type and filtered through their own personal physiology. They can only see and understand with what their own genetic “Type” expressed in them, personally.

Which I know for a fact is nothing at all like I perceive this “reality”. I have often observed in my own personal experience with many medical Professionals over the years? That we don’t even understand words in our shared birth language with the same meaning or value. Genetic Normative’s never define “descriptive words” with the same definition as I do.

So how could any one of them ever make any kind of “determination” of anything that they might see about me or any behavior of mine? They are not genetically, physically equipped to “engage” with reality as I do   They don’t see what I see in this world,  don’t even have basic words in common with the same definitions..’

I’ve known since forever that I would never understand a one of them, can’t determine anything about what they might need to do or be…

So how could  a single one of the “Doctors”, think that they could determine those things with me? and not only that, but lump me into some “group”  and say “This”  is what  ‘They”  are ???  What the fuck is up with that bullshit?

In my youth,  I “took on” some negative and harmful behaviors at times, thinking that I needed to “do that act” too, to be a “Real Autistic”, because it wasn’t in the bag of “Quirks, Autistic” that’d  I’d naturally been born with.. So I had to “try it on”,  to see if it ‘fits me’, or to “prove myself” to some “Other”…

Because of some bullshit “Characteristic behavior” or “Traits” bullshit that I’d read.. Sometimes doing a lot of damage to myself and others before I would learn.. Catch myself,  thinking  “Hey?!? Wait a minute! This is “Not Me!”  Which for me MEANT having  a “break” and completely detaching from reality for a period of time, which would leave me in grave danger of being harmed by “some other”, I’d be that unresponsive for awhile.

That “Considered Medical Professionals” OPINION caused a lot of harm to all kinds of people and almost got me killed more than once..

It wasn’t considered of “Me” at all,  and did not apply. But it damn sure caused years of harm.

Part of the reason why I cannot even bring myself to enter a hospitals emergency room TODAY, even in pain and dying.. No Doctors. No Dentists. Been wearing these glasses way over 10 years now… They give me headaches.. But the Autistic in me got seriously hurt too many times by those white coats, and I just quit. Scared I was gonna kill the next one who touched me without asking my permission first… I wanted too!

That’s my experience of being “Labeled”

Fuck that shit.

Featured post

The Curse of “Placement”, in the Neural Diversity “Spectrum.”

Dear People of Earth…

I’m sorry to keep being such a “bother” to every single human being that I have any kind,  or “real interaction” with.  I really am!  It hurts me inside, fuck!  I can’t help but make the connection, that every person who ever had any interaction with me was probably as “Bothered” as I do feel too, just each in our own emotive.

I would make amends to every single person who thinks or feels that I did them any kind of harm at all.. I swear to you that I would, try to make it right.. If we were “Face to Face”?  I would take your every thought and feeling into myself! Listen to every word you have to say to me.

I would give myself over to your judgment alone.. That that I am, Autistic?  I KNOW THAT I CANNOT KNOW!  whatever damage or injuries I may have caused you..

I would give my life for you already.  Give it to you freely.  If you are feeling so hurt by any actions of mine as to wish to see me dead?  I will give you my life. Wouldn’t lift a hand to stop any judgment of yours against me… Because I KNOW THAT I CANNOT KNOW, all of the pain and madness I might have caused others with my own pain so great as to make even Galaxies seem like small things easy to understand. I did terrible things..

I am driven to try to ‘Make things right”.. Its a core part of my Autistic soul…. I would make amends to all the world if I could, but can’t. All I can do is try not to repeat the same mistakes.

For 1 hurting, angry Person right in front me now today?

I could make that amend, by letting that person be my judge and jury, and render their justice upon me.. That is THE LAW.. Natural law as I understand Law to be.

I cannot know what the price of your pain is, or any healing that you may need of wounds that I did deal out.

You can beat me, shoot me , stab me. Tie me to a stake and set me on fire.. I would make it easy for you. If that is the price of your healing.  I would take your pain unto myself. I am strong like that. Carried mountains of pain all of my life, so I know that I can handle some more.  I would do whatever I could to help anyone that I hurt, get to be “okay inside”. Find healing.. I never wanted to hurt anyone in the first place. I just didn’t know how not to. I have learned a few things since those days, and would try to make things right for you in any way that you demand.

That’s the only kind of bandage I have found, that gives me any little ease from my own wounds.

I always know that I cannot know,  all of  the damage done and people hurt in the madness that I used to live in.

I am cursed with being “Unkind”, being cursed with having to be “self honest” and so always examining my own thinking with a jaundiced eye. The worst, most cutting part of this curse is?  That I look at everyone else, with that same critical  distance. I treat and talk to “others” in the same exact manner as I treat and talk to my own inner self.  As I can be objective in the extreme, extreme in emotion,  and so driven by my “passions” to understand, I ask the hard questions of myself.

Took me forever to see that this extreme personal behavior of mine, emotionally, just put an immediate wall up in everyone I ever “got intense” with. It didn’t matter how correct I might be about whatever the topic, or how much I did care and want to help, to be “of service”.  Everyone walled themselves off from me on the emotional level, which is this only place where people do ‘truly connect’.. And without that connection no truths could be shared either way between them.

For me, it wasn’t until I had a keyboard and screen to “interface through”, did I ever start to really be able to communicate..  I needed the physical separation in part, to help prevent “sensory overload” and keep focused on the topic. But the great gift was the way it made my “brain, mind?” slow down and order my thoughts. Create structure. I also had the most excellent teaching in every single persons “communications” that I read “on screen” in social media.. It was like some part of me “woke up”, and was like “Holy shit! So this is how they “communicate”.. That online communication soon transformed me. It was like it “rewired” some part of my brain. Because for the first ever in life, I started having some “real conversations” with “REAL PEOPLE!”, and in “VERY SCARY, PUBLIC PLACES!”…  And I wasn’t upsetting people anymore like I used to. Still did confuse a lot of people, but they would “stay open”.. That “emotional connection” that I need to feel and see and sense in another human being .. To not be scared of them at that deep place where I had always been so scared of everyone… And when I wasn’t scared myself, down deep inside me? It seems like that I wasn’t scaring anybody else anymore either.

Funny thing was, it was like everything changed in the world, I realized one day that I had real conversations, good, happy conversations with 7 people one day.. It had been like a 12 hour day of being social!

It was such a shock that I had a break! Went up into the national forest and camped out. Hid away from everyone for about 3 weeks.. If I saw some other person there, birdwatcher or hiker, whatever.. They almost never saw me or knew that I was even around, Because I wore full camouflage clothing, and I if  saw any body I only wanted to “put some distance” between us. Be far enough away that I wouldn’t sense them in any way…

Hahahaha! Binary me. Autistic..  That everything I do, the order I do whatever in? Its always a 1 way only,  that 1 “right!” way that I can do anything at all. Tie my shoelaces. Drive a car. Smoke a pipe. Everything.. The way I hike and go intuitive. And cannot stay on any “public maintained” trail for any longer than it takes to clear the parking area and get that “sense” of the land, and then cross country I go. I know that I’ll find game trails and ways to move easily with the land.. And Fuck! People hike on maintained trails, I might have someone or “ones” get close to me.. Ewwwww!  Hahaha! I have only just started to see here recently, that every little thing that I do is shaped by that autistic quirk in me that says ‘There is only true, perfect, ‘Right way’ to do this.”.. Only one way in every single little thing that I do…

I embrace that in me today, and love it, actually!  It helped me to feel better inside.. Hahahaha! In part, because some part of me was in shock! From seeing that!  Every single thing, no matter how small. Anything I might do personally has an autistic “twist” When I finally saw that, I could let go of all of the thinking that I needed to be like, or conform to, some others social or behavioral standards in any way.. Because just the thought was ludicrous! It would be impossible.  All my behavior was built in and hardwired.  Ain’t no changing anything! My autism had all the bases covered and its own team to root for all of a sudden.

In that deepest, Autistic soul in me? He has no words!  He is always trying to understand. He looks at all things in the same exact way.. Gives all things the same attention, and the same deep respect.. That sense of awe and wonder An unconscious “knowing” that he doesn’t “Really Know.”

Doubly cursed by this brain, this neural system of mine.. and the “opposing force” of the neural systems in the 7.5 billion Human majority. I seem unable to interact intellectually without being perceived as “Arrogant”…

Which really “bites”, because I can “Do” world class arrogant so unconsciously.  My greatest personal defect of character seems to be ‘selfishness”, or self centeredness..? In the extreme I can be that. These obsessions to understand all of the things that I feel such a huge “NEED” to understand, the same as I need to breath.

It can get very frustrating, knowing that I am the PRIME NUMBER, the indivisible source of ALL of my problems with other people. I mean, what the fucking fuck?  Why did I have to be such a natural born asshole?

FUCK!  It’s a curse I tell you. This damned Autism of mine.. Even that “Label” I do doubt strongly has any real meaning or value, with application to “this self” that I am. Seriously.  I was also a victim of abuse through all the years of my early childhood so horrible. The physical violence alone, that incredible, blinding pain that hit me so many hundreds of times beyond counting. The humiliation of being beaten to the point of losing control over ones bladder and bowels.  Repeated  so many times over  a span of  years.. That sometimes seemed to last forever.  Even a single moment could seem like centuries. Pain beyond words. Paralyzed in a bolt of Lightning, blinded by the fires. Just a little kid, Autistic.

I was born in Hell.

You DON’T even want to know about about the psychological tortures they put me through daily.. Birth to age 11, when “THE STATE” took over and things started to get REALLY BAD, after that.  That little mind got shattered and broken so many times that I doubt than I can be anything like “sane”, by definition. So have “Co`major”, or more than a single diagnostic.  PTSD?  Possible psychosis. My “autistic breaks” a kind of “detaching” from reality…? I really don’t know.  I am never 100% sure about ANYTHING AT ALL!   I so hate and abhor that in me..

When I contemplate suicide?

I always want to do it with a large, magnum caliber revolver. Stick it in my mouth and aim at the base of my brain, the Medulla whatever. Can’t remember the spelling but that bastard lizard motherfucker at the base of my brain? I wanna’ blow that asshole away!  I hate this thinking machine between my ears with fierce and long abiding hatred. I just want to shut that motherfucker down!  PERMANENTLY!  I’m SO OVER being so sick and fucking tired of the constant streams of bullshit and nonsense  it produces 24/7…

I’ve got the word out on the street.. In those “Low Places” and shadows of the night that I dance through in my wandering this world. Trying to find  that “Magnum” revolver right now today, in fact… Too tired to think much more.. I’ll publish this as a “tease”, then jump back in,  in a later “edit”.. A little congestive heart failure thing I have going on right now.. I run out of energy so quickly.  Got up at 5:30 am, and by 7:30 am I have to go back to bed and get another 8 hours of sleep.. past 2 weeks its been like that.. So sorry about the inconsistency of my communication of late…

Okay… 9:27 pm  ‘n back in saddle again.

Thank you for being so patient with me… Now, to pick things back up and reacquire “Focus”…   There is always a method “To my madness”. That one trait more than anything is what “Autism”  used to mean, to me.  A kind of “Binary” behavior. Either? , Or!  ∞ Particle wave duality. Either one way or that “other”.. Run into anything “indeterminate”?   The ‘Autistic Break’.  The binary system shuts down to do “systems analysis” and self repair.. Which can take some time, at times.

I have a huge lack, in real data.. About Autism as a specific disorder in fact… Which at times can seem so droll, dripping with the darkest kind of humors… Hahahaha! And sometimes burst out into laughter as I just did.. That kind of  “low voltage” Hysteria. Nihilism is this autistic’s “middle name”, so to speak. Sarcasm the natural offspring. Self deprecation his bullying younger brother.

Out of all of these things in life with no meaning or value?  I’m the most worthless thing of all..   Negative Prime to the 10th power.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Featured post

Words of wisd…? Some asshole’s opin…? The Autistic Mystic…Be very, very, wary!

I like to think, that I have  “It” all figured out. Have a clear understanding, and KNOW!

Know so fucking surely that anybody or anything who might disagree with me.. Me? Genius that I am? I wanna’ be able to just bulldoze right over anybody.. Bury them under a hard concrete avalanche of fact after fact..

Tsunami them in a devastating FLOOD of inescapable data and logic. Drown them in the oceans of Physics and Statistical analysis…

Hit them with their own stupidity with such blinding speed..  A Thermodynamic explosion of hard information radiation..

And just vaporize that tiny little mind so forlorn; hopelessly inadequate and unable to survive on its own.. I  simply perform a “mercy killing”.

All the way, Alpha wolf Autistic… That I am…

Its fucking impossible for me to be honest about anything without coming across like the most arrogant lunatic 99. 8 percent of humanity might have ever imagined.

I wish that it wasn’t like that, but oh well!  Wish into one hand and shit in the other, see how that works out for YOU!  My hypothetical but thoroughly imagined readers!  Hahahahaha!   Because that wishful thinking bull hockey doesn’t EVER! result in anything but shit all over the motherfucking place fer’ me.

Still, I am one a’ those high I.Q. Super minds. And I can do obsessive beyond the capacity of any “genetic normative’s” ability to understand. So I’m gonna’ keep re~running that experiment, and recording the results. Give a longer timeline to it,  so I can increase that data field and points. Graph that shit for awhile and see what the numbers start adding up to. Get the Universe to ‘paint’ me a picture of the “app in action”.

I have confidence that if I keep running the experiments that I’m running with “humanity”; keep observing and recording what results? I will eventually gain some level of knowledge about the whole “Life?  What the fucking FUCK?”  is up with this whole “being Human” bit…

Ya’ know? Because I do have alla’ that PHD level background in the easy stuff.. Mathematics and Physics first off; duh, Ya’ gotta’ have that foundation. Geology and Geochemistry. Biology and Botany. Organic chemistry, the basic B.S. degree. Fucking “Chem lab”… That, I will admit, I about gave up on that damned Org. Chem. The most mind numbing, complexity of rules and reactions I ever had the misfortune of slamming head on into. Know fer’ sure I lost some fuckin’ I.Q. points in that damned chem lab. Those sneaky little bastard UNEXPECTED reactions. Not to mention that sadistic “Unforeseen Consequences” clause.

Never did figure out just exactly how I was able to produce such a huge volume of Chlorine gas, in like..2.8 seconds? Damned good thing those sensors and alarms did work. Everybody was able to clear the building.. Because I’d been rendered unable to even squeak out any warning with that first inhalation of Chlorine. Bad fucking mistake,  Organic Chem. BAD FUCKING MISTAKE! Fucked me up seriously, for awhile. Lost some lung function, fer’ fucking sure.

Everything else was fairly cool though.. I mean, when I got to my next University. After the unfortunate experience of Org. Chem. That .. I mean, I shoulda’ got some credit for the fact that that building was SERIOUSLY  a “sterile room”, good lab environment.. After the clean up and restoration., Probably a decade before any insects, molds, fungus, or bacteria could find any kind of home in there. Ventilation ducts? Inside the walls, all the conduit work?  I killed every little microorganism that lived in that building and kinda’ rendered it uninhabitable to their nasty little asses for a good few years after.. I’da thought that should have been worth a little something to the Administration. That was actual value, should offset some of those “costs” that they were crying about.. Friggin’ insurance covered most a’ the damage right off the top…And those women? There’s hair coloring formulas in every drug store in the USA, for fucks sake! Those Annie airhead women could have got their original hair color back, no problem at all.  Lotsa’ women bleach their hair on purpose! Buncha’ fucking crybabies, I always thought, but oh well. Nothing I can do about that type. I just had to accept it. It was an accident, its not like I was planning to bleach everything in whole fucking building like that. I had no idea anything like that was even possible!  Screw guilt! It was the Oxidizer, not me!  I did learn some big fucking lessons.. Which was in fact why I was in Chem lab trying pass that exam.. And the whole University has to get all aggro, passive aggressive, whatever with me?

I was glad to get expelled, to be quite honest. It really wasn’t a supportive “Atmosphere” for learning even before that unfortunate little event… People just don’t “get” us Neurally Divergent types. Its like, they’re racists or some shit.. I’M NOT DISABLED.. All that bullshit about me being autistic.. Like that’s a bad thing? FUCK YOU TOO! There ain’t nothing wrong with me. I’m just a little bit “different”. Not in the same ballpark. Not even out in the parking lot. But I know for a fact we’re on the same frigging Planet..

So work with me on that, eh? We have some kinda’ interconnection between us.. Even if that DOES seem like “Ewwww! Gross!  PEOPLE!” are seriously fucking TWISTED!” ta’ me.. I’d try ta’ work with ya’all, but you’d have to lighten up major league with all that “CONFORM OR BE PERSECUTED” nonsense.. Because you know that I don’t play that way.

Anthropology. Archaeology.  More Physics , Quantum and Sub Quantum; High Energy Particles to Micro Low voltage states, electromagnetic energy waves. (My Favorite kind of Field interactions!)  Sub Quantum Theory, some of its Physics I’m still struggling with, kinda’ weak in that area. I dunno’ about that whole string theory bit. We might be barking up the wrong tree, right there. “Dark Energy” is a “fringe” element. That’s not even a half ass decent “Theory”, in my humble opinion. I gotta’ totally alternative hypothesis with a lot more factual, Classical Physics backing that shit up, too! In the Einstein Unified Theory camp, all the way to the beach on the far shore a’ the Universe! Hydrology of Course. Fluid Dynamics, because that, you know how it is? Its directly a part of the infrastructure of the actual “Focus of research”, in whatever field your sweet little hind end is into at the time. Everything starts with that darned foundation stuff. One cannot help but have to learn all of those interconnected fields. Second law of?  Conservation of Energy?  Yeah yeah yeah.. I know!  It’s a fucking rut we can get fucking stuck in. The Hard research track.. One can only absorb so much information in any 24 hour period. As one can observe in micro, low voltage energy field interactions. Some things simply take their own sweet fucking time. Photons crawling through the vast interstellar dark,  while you twiddle the ol’ thumbs and pick yer’ nose, so to speak. Waiting for the damned light to show up and make things clear enough ta’ see.

Takes awhile before one even starts to think about publishing anything in particular..And generally?  By the time one feels that one might have anything of possible value to contribute to “The Greater World” at large?

One has gained a more comprehensive perspective. One comes to understand the futility of attempting to interact in any way,  with “That greater World” of humanity, expecting any results. One has learned that nothing  one can say, demonstrate, or do will change so much as a single human beings thinking.

99.99998% of humanity could give single fuck less about Me in any way shape or form. Knowledge avails one nothing at all, when the majority of humanity couldn’t care less that I even exist. Let alone care about anything that I know or think..  That I used to like thinking that “I knew something worth sharing” about anyway. I wanted more than anything to “Be of service”. It seemed the Prime value.

But this one was wrong in ones thinking. That does in fact often happen. One does not “Know Everything”.

One accepts reality as is,  lets go of incorrect thinking when discovered, and moves on to the next thing requiring ones attention to keep one “being okay in this world”.. One follows the scientific method, applying the same tools to all of life’s problems. Physics, and Natural Laws, are always correct. Never upset or perturbed. Embracing and informing all of life that I know of.

Physics, in its elegance and simplicity   1 +1=2. +/-,  ≥∫ +∑-∩  {∨∧∏<}~µ =∀ æ  ∞∑  , + the sum value of : ∃∀∞  Can you not see it?   Has a Prime number ƒ solution for every ∝∞ problem.

I find such a deep inner peace in this 1 simple fact.. Just 1 very small fact, really. Straight forward, even pedestrian…

Featured post

Autistic gone wild…The breaking no one else knows…

I dunno’.. I should maybe be apologizing to the whole world, every now and again.

Been kind of ‘recognizing’ that I have “slipped” all of the leashes. Gone off the hook, gone all the way wild. Autistic on the run.

Never had a break like this one before, though.. Being still some kind of aware. Mind still talking, using words. Don’t even feel like I’m “losing my words”, or “going predator”…

I dunno whats going on with this, really. Maybe something about being all of the way open in every part of me, now.  Open to my true self. Open to the whole world.

Not hiding from anything about me anymore. Just being all the way “me”. Speaking my truth alone.  Or not. To sit in silence and listen, I can do for days.  Whatever.

Its freed me up, some kind of way. I do feel in control. No fear.

I know that I’ve been talking a lot of trash at the world lately. Might have upset some people. I don’t really wish to disturb anyone, but?  Oh well. “Other People” ? Their feelings are theirs alone, and no business of mine.

I do try to keep every personal word of mine just as honest as I can make it for myself. I talk a lot of shit sometimes, but don’t make false statements, as a rule. I don’t lie about any facts. Won’t make any claims about “Reality”, climate change, the USA, history, whatever it may be, without knowing that I can document that claim  with multiple independent sources of verification, public and available to anyone who cares  to do their own researching, to learn personally for themselves.

Feeling sad.. Not for myself, but for any other.. Who might chance to read my words. I am so sorry. I don’t wish to make anyone distraught or uncomfortable.  But the facts are what they are.  I did the best I could,  with what I knew at the time. But was seriously fucking twisted into some monstrously wrong thinking at the very beginning of life, for me… Amoral. Was crafted into that “Amoral” singularity I came to be, by Monsters who wore a human form, Can’t even remember when I quit trying to communicate anything real at all,  to any other “Human being”.   Those first ones of my experience of life…    ????   Those monsters sculpted that, whatever I was born as.  They crafted a masterpiece in this.. That I am.. The perfect Monster to destroy just such as they.

And that, I would apologize for to anyone who knew of me. I did so many wrongs, learning what could be right.. I hurt more people than I can ever know or even make any amends to. I am guilty of inflicting horrible wounds to peoples hearts and minds, maybe souls? I don’t even know. Too many years I only saw people as 1 of 2 things… Predator or Prey. One or the other..  I had survived being born the victim, born prey… Survived and became a predator.. At such a young age…13.. I’d barely turned 13 years old,  I think, when that happened, and Predator was born in that instant.  The first time that I had backed a monster away from me.  Saw that look of shock come up in his face.. The ways his eyes flared wide, when he realized that I was just getting started. Just before he turned and ran away from me.. I remember, I laughed, because he ran the wrongest possible way,  to get away from ME… He ran down the trail deeper into the woods.. Into this canyons beginning.. The opposite direction from the road, town, any other people.

Bad mistake for him.. I didn’t know what I was yet, what I was about. I just knew that I had the power now to hurt monsters like him, and I was loving it. It was my miracle.. Saved my life and changed everything about what I’d been doing to survive.. I can almost remember thinking  “Oooooooo! YES!!!!  This is what I was born to do! Kill those fucking Monsters that hurt kids like ME!”   That’s about how it was. How I felt.  Let him run. Took my time thinking about how I needed to do  this new “quest”.. And get away with it. To not even be suspected. My natural Autistic was always trying to keep the world from knowing anything about his “true self” anyway.. Getting away with murder just an extension of the same behavior, hidden under the same camouflage.

Figured out what I needed to do to keep myself safe for a time, then went down the trail after that Guy.. Didn’t really know anything. wasn’t thinking in anymore words by that time. Only knew that I couldn’t let him get away, and I was gonna’ need to make his body disappear.

Got it done. Wasn’t easy either. He was a lot bigger than me. He was so heavy I couldn’t hardly drag him down hill.. But I got it done. Creatively. Adaptive. Wild little autistic who’d been escaping into reading since he’d figured out how to read at about 4 years old.. Knew a lot about his local ecosystem, and “how things work”… All the knowledge I needed was already in my mind, and I didn’t even have to think… The knowing of what to do next, and why, just kept “expressing itself” in my mind..

Don’t anyone even make a statement judging me for any act of mine.. No one else has the right to judge me, or any act that I have ever done, against someone who first acted against my person.

I don’t even care what any other human being thinks… Most human beings are monsters in their own fucking right, in these United States that has been invading other countries and murdering millions of fucking innocent people who never did any harm to the USA or anyone else in the world.

The good citizens of America, voting repeatedly to keep the Killer Government going, all the years of my life, and paying the taxes to fund this killing spree the Military/Industrial complex and the Billionaires have found to be so profitable and great for the American economy…

Every tax paying American has been an active co conspirator to genocide and terrorism, crimes against humanity beyond count, serial killers of millions of innocents and funding the terrorist state of israhell which specializes in murdering unarmed women and children.

No American who has supported the USA, who votes, who pays taxes?  Has any morality, or Ethical background to judge a fucking dog show.. Every fucking one of those has been a part of killing more innocent people than I ever could…

I have never killed an innocent person, myself. I have no guilt, no shame about any of the acts I did, against men like that first 1…

 

That “monster”.. When I was “cleaning up”..??  I found some “souvenirs’ that he had.. From 5 boys… 5 boys… In this little lock box he’d had hidden in his vehicle. Broke it open of course, knowing something valuable had to be in a lock box.. There were some things.. I thought that they were “Magic Mushrooms”.. I’d read about those, knew they could be dried and stored. Or they were Peyote buttons. Which also, I had never seen. Just these 5 all dried up and shriveled dark brownish, kind of black, a little leathery. Like little dried out Sombreros I thought. Took me a while to notice the hairs.. they were very fine hairs, not many of them, and kind of all curled up and flat to the surface. Hard to see.. And I smelled one, thinking I’d get a clue.. But it had a really nasty, rotten,scent to it.. this weird”sweetness”.. It hit me. I knew that scent. I smelled it off the side of roads sometimes, where some big animal had gotten hit by a vehicle and killed.. Drug off to the side and left to rot…

That’s when I knew what those 5 little dried up things were.. I had that same little sack thing, with about the same few hairs on it, hanging between my legs.. Only my scrotum was still full and pink, warm and alive.

5 boys at least, that that man had picked up hitch hiking before he’d picked up me.

Their bones were probably right around there somewhere where I left his body.. That’s where he had brought me..

I could almost believe that there really was a God.. Just because of the way that had all worked out.. I was having a really hard time, with what I had done to that man the night before.. Until I found those. I had been thinking about suicide. I didn’t know how to drive, hadn’t ever done that, was way out in the country, and down this old logging trail.Had his vehicle and all that shit that was in it.  Scared shitless of the police. Had been living on the streets.. Ran away from some foster homes.. Bad shit happened to me before ever I met that man. Had stolen the little pistol that I shot him with in a burglary morning a the day he picked me up. Only reason that I’m alive today is because I burglarized some strangers house and stole that little pistol. a little .22  That house actually had a bunch of guns in it, there were some 5 or 6 Revolvers or Pistols in that drawer, but I only took that little .22 because it fit my hand so perfect, like a toy pistol. I’d never shot one before.  I’d been thinking about suicide for along time before then… Might have done it that day. Had found a couple of weapons in his vehicle, and a bunch of pills..All pharmaceuticals. I didn’t know about them but knew they were “drugs”. Broke open that lockbox, sure that there had to be more drugs in it..

Not a single person in the world knows who I really am, or where I come from… No other person could ever know what impacts that others  “act” against my person did have. What it hurt within me, or how great my pain.. No one else knows.. And no one else has the right to judge anything  about me… Unless I have trespassed against you personally.

Anyone trespasses against me?  I am the only one to decide the price that one will fucking pay.

I could give a fuck less what anybody thinks of me or anything I do. My life is mine own to live as I see fit, and no other.

Natural law, the only law that I follow, and I follow with every fiber of my being.. Anything fucks with me personally and I become natural law. That’s just how it fucking is.  Anyone, raise a hand against me, or anyone else I care for?  It doesn’t matter to what degree. I might filet a man out and put his back straps on the barbeque to see if Human “Filet’s” really do taste like pork?  I have wondered about that, after reading about the practices of some of south Pacific Island peoples. People from outside the tribe were often “labeled” as “Long Pork”, and hunted down for dinner.. I read that those “Back straps” the Top Sirloin human ‘cut’ were really tasty and reserved for the head man and Top warriors only.. Been kinda’ curious for a taste test my own self, ever since. Pork roasts, pork chops, carnitas?  I like alla’ that.

As I have said before? I really don’t have a fuck to give for what anyone thinks of me. Barbequing a motherfucker is definitely on my list of interests.

You got a problem with me? I’m really easy to find. And would be interested in discussing it with you, face to face. My door is always open to anyone who has a problem with me. I am very solution oriented, and will happily help anyone find the solution needed for their problem.

Serious as a heart attack. Anyone having issues with me I am always ready to deal with, some kind of way. I will listen to another’s  words very carefully, respectfully. Taking them into me and seeing how they “felt?”.. Question myself, and look at whatever part of me needed.. and compare values?

Maybe you will prove to be correct in your thinking.. I could learn of some defect of character or judgement of mine. And then, could perhaps correct it. Might perhaps want to follow more of your thinking, because I would be needing to find a way, to try to make that issue right for you… If correct in your thinking I find you.

I would do no harm, of mine own intent.. That I care nothing for some others laws or values does not make me personally lawless, or valueless. I have a strict code of ethics and strong moral values. That they are not your values does not alter their validity.

I have killed. That was called for by that situation… It was the most moral and ethical judgement possible.. But?   The “evil” that I have most often attacked?  More times than anything else by far, over far more years?

Litter.. Trash.. Fucking cigarette butts especially.. There have been years that I have picked up trash every single day I walked anywhere.. I just couldn’t walk by plastic crap or broken bottles especially I always had to pick up every piece… Trash, common litter, I guess that is kinda’ like my “Prey base”. I still today, do I see a plastic bag blowing around, I’ll snatch it up, and then I have to search out enough other litter to fill up that bag before I find a proper receptacle for its disposal. If I can fill 1 bag of trash early in a day and dispose of it proper? Then I can ignore whatever litter I feel like for the rest of that day.  I’m not all that obsessive about it anymore.. But still today, I can’t go for a hike without carry an empty 2 bags.. Because its been unfortunately way too easy to fill a single bag in a half day hike…. I’ve hauled out big screen t.vs. and dumped appliances more than once, from the back country. Any idiot dumping trash out out off of some country road that I see has got a major health issue immediately.. Because he’s out being a scuzz bag, there are no witnesses to what I’m about to do to him.. Pull right up to him in my vehicle and don’t even get out, already had the window down..”Pop Pop Pop”.. 3 fat chunks a lead to the chest, and back on the gas and down the road a ways before I pull over and turn off my vehicle. Sit there and listen.  Consider what action next, best suits me, and preserves my anonymity. Each situation is unique unto itself and needs a response that fits the parameters…

This has never happened, I want to make that very clear.. But I have thought about it more than a couple of times… It feels very good and right.. But have not owned a gun in well over 20 years.. Sold or gave away my bows. It stopped being okay with me to hunt animals like that anymore.. I’m not against hunting for ones own meat.. But, I dunno’ .. It was too easy for me.. I never missed, filled my tags every year I ever hunted. Never had a shot much over 20 yards, and the last Elk I took at about 5 yards. All with a Bow and Arrow except the first Elk , the first time I’d hunted. Took him at around 600 yards, other side a this canyon from me. 1 shot kill with my .338 magnum Remington  A 700 BDL which I had invested serious money into accurizing it, and learning how to shoot well. Only ever shot that 1 Bull Elk with it though. Early morning on opening day.. I got real depressed, because the hunt was over so quick! Bought my first Bow before the end of that month. Had decided “Hunting” with a rifle or firearm was basically unethical for me, and dishonest. It was shooting something. Not “Hunting”. Not “fair”. I was too good with a rifle, the obsessive that I was? I must have fired at least 2,000 rounds on the range before that first hunt. Most between 300 to 700 yards in practice. Have put 5 bullets into 1 single hole, paper targets at 100 yards from the bench.. But I knew that Rifle real well, and loved to shoot it.. Just, only at the range after that first hunt.

Civil law? I piss on it. A trap.. Deceptive as fuck..  But basically the same old biblical, White racist Patriarchal bullshit,  the “Wise Man/ God” Paradigm, evil to any free being, and harmful to the species as a whole. Civil law is based on the false assumption, that every “Good” person shares the same good ethics and morality, at base.. That there is a “Human Norm” for all behaviors. Establishes that code, and a hierarchy to enforce orthodoxy, with an “Authority Figure” at the top to “Judge” any disagreement or dispute, the “Wise Man/ leader myth perpetuated,  underpins the establishment of  the “POLICE STATE” and reserves the right to final moral judgement of any dispute between people to the state.  The greatest injustice of that “civil law”, is that the right to do violence to anyone, for any reason, is reserved to the “Civil State”. Leaving the Authority figures at the top of the social pyramid with the right to assign whatever value to Human life, or death they wish, and dispense either as that Authority may choose.

The fact that “LAWS” are enshrined in pretty documents and expensive papers, has  no meaning whatever.  Little flags, symbols, or signs upon it. Are meaningless.  Lady Liberty? No more than a gang sign. Could be a spray painted MS~13, as that gang is the law in that place. A Criminal Gang is a Criminal Gang. I don’t do stupid shit like that. Politics ? Smoke and mirrors. Obfustication and outright lying to your face. Illusions for the weak mind peasants who are so easily entertained by such frippery and nonsense.

When looked at objectively, examined from all the angles with a critical eye?

Civil law is poachers trap, designed to capture the weak minded and lazy, and impress them into slavery.

Civil laws deadliest hidden “hook”  ? Is that it plays to humanities emotions, and plays ON  the human instinct for “society:.. A “civil”, kind social group… Family..

Promotes the ideal that “To be civil” is the “Human norm”, as are the Father, “Authority Figures”. There has to be a “Head” at the top, in charge.. As all wisdom can only flow down from the top…

This is the myth behind civil law. Do you disagree?  I would invite anyone to prove me wrong with facts, please?

Until then, I will be governed by the laws of Nature, and my nature, alone. I can accept no higher authority than Nature itself.

I’m not real sure how long humanity has been working on creating some way to govern itself.. ?  Had to have started about the same time as agricultural kicked off though..So, looking at history itself one can make some observations.. I myself can’t think of any human “social grouping” based around the “civil laws/ “Governing” hypothesis that has worked out. over any great length of time in the past.. Not a 1.. Except maybe, Iceland.. Which kind of  does have the same social structure and governance style for.. Fucking A!  Around 1,000 years I’m thinking.. Wow..

That’s pretty frigging impressive now that I think about it.. But kinda’ unique too, as human societies go.. Pretty much all one ethnic group, and Vikings. Because the few Aleuts, the indigenous inhabitants were immediately disenfranchised by said Vikings who took all of their rights unto themselves. Not civil much, Vikings are about as Anarchist as any social group has ever managed to be, I think.. And all living on this big island, sharing no border with any other country? No neighbors pissing them off makes being peaceful a whole lot easier for any family. But how often does this ever happen in reality?

Statistical anomaly I’ll just ignore, Iceland.. Hahahaha!

That one who I was just “got broken” as a child. It doesn’t matter how.  Lots of things get broken.  There are some breaks that stay broke. You don’t ever get whatever was lost, back.  Had to learn how to survive. To conceal everything, total deception…Was the direct result of those “People”  I first experienced. Before I ever knew what “learning” even was. I knew that deception of “People” was the only way that I might survive that contact.. Before I ever knew the meaning of those words, I was living them. Tough enough being born autistic.. Add a practicing “Dominant” sadist to “model’ male behavior. the maternal unit in the “BDSM” contract a “Flip”, because she could “Go” either way. Both of whom believed in “corporal” punishment.. Ol’ pops lusted for it. He’ just loved to cause physical pain. Had to see physical damage before he could “get off”.. Torn skin, blood, stripes.. Strip me naked and beat stripes into my back, top a the shoulders to the back a my knees. Could make it look checkerboard style, or whip those “stripes” around me in a curve, make me look like a barber shop pole…

I know that I am some kind of twisted, torn up… something.. I don’t think that I am evil..? I would die trying to help some innocent in need. Almost have before. Helped out a lotta’ friggin’ strangers, and especially the “damaged ones” Those young ones of today, got turned out. Victimized for years and then made homeless. I do the best that I can to help the damaged ones, even though I don’t even like having anyone physically close to me. And you can’t trust a one a the broken kids. Little addicts, hookers and thieve’s, mental health issues, bi fucking polar.. I put up with some major bullshit sometimes, and about all of them have to steal something.. Its like they can’t help it…

I can remember how that was… To be that broken down… I shrink away inside, don’t even want to think about even a little bit, of those first bad things that happened…

I feel soo sad for most of these young and lost…  Because “That I am”, was born with a true gift, that none of the broken ones I’ve met have ever had…

I was born Autistic, and that is what saved me. That is what has let me live through all of these years alone.. All of the years since I stopped hurting any other real Human beings, and quit doing all of those things that I had been hurting myself with doing…

And fucking A I can tell you.. That’s when life got really fucking  hard.. What I feel inside sometimes? Pain is meaningless word beside that bottomless fucking pit of emptiness.. I can’t even describe..

Nothing but screaming, shrieking winds in an empty, void…

That sound?  Is being alone .Always and forever alone , is what that sound screams. One of the first “True Things” that I ever discovered for myself.  I remember how it used to put me to sleep, when I was a child…  I wish it still worked like that.

I do know… That I am all fucked up inside… Beyond fucking hope of any kind of repair. I don’t even know what hope is.

The choice was never mine to make.   No one will ever know that pain, an ocean of fucking pain.  I don’t know how I live with it.. And maybe? That’s what’s at the bottom of the heart attacks, the strokes.. All my systems breaking down now.  First heart attack happened shortly after my ex and her idiot Mormon husband got the courts to void all of my custody rights and they stole my children away from me.. Most especially my daughter, who is also Neurally Divergent, but severely impacted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Primarily non verbal.. And she and I had the most incredible bond… I could hold her, carry her all day long sometimes. Dancing and singing to her, everywhere I went she went too.. She filled a big part of this bottomless pit inside me now.

And I never did anything against the ruling of that court,  or my ex or that pervert she’s married to.

I cannot. I would do no harm to anyone, as best that I can manage… Even such as they!

Who stole from me the most incredible love and beauty, wonder, the best that I knew or felt in life.. They stole that from me.  I had no choice, but to let them go their way. That that I am? My Ethical is “built in”.  Morality I will not, that I cannot violate. Even when that “Human” part within me wants to obliterate the source of his pain… That that I am am most? Takes the weight of all of that pain, all the fucking years of pain before that even.. Gives that broken human part what comfort he can accept.

That one, Predator me? I can’t even imagine, how he can hold it all…And still be that strong… That he could take what those 2 did to him,, They stole the only human being that he had ever known any words with. The only Love he could ever open up to, they stole.. mostly out of spite. I paid no child support and would not. They had violated me, trespassed, lied.. My ex broke the marriage contract. Met that scumbag at her church, whose doors I would never enter. Having the Ethical code I do… Came home early from work one day and found the 2 of them in the shower together..

Got split custody in the divorce, but would not, could not pay them a penny after.  So they decided to steal the children away from me, thinking that they could force me to pay, to keep that shared custody. Autistic me cannot be forced. Could do no harm to them, wouldn’t do anything to make a bad thing worse.. So turned his back and walked away, Nothing else he could do, but shut the door on that past and walk away.  Accept that pain.

There is no going back.. It was a month or so after I’d lost custody.. I’d been out in the mountains since the day it happened.. Did the best memorial service that I figure, and  accepted that my children were dead and gone to me.. Sept. of 2014..

Its irrevocable now. I wouldn’t even let her or “their kids” get anywhere close to me now. Blocked every attempt, every phone number of anyone we ever had in common.. Some of who I cared for tremendously.. My ex was , is still, not all of her families “favorite person”. Her closest relatives all knew me too.. 2 years into my grieving the loss, was when some of her family members started to call me, and with the first conversation I knew.. The ex had changed her mind for whatever reason, but I heard that the kids were really acting out.. Didn’t want to hear anymore so blocked them all.. She’s a foreign national, her family overseas, it was easy to block them all out.

 

I know its really fucked, for those 2 kids..So there’s that addition  to the weight on me. That that I am does not back up, does not alter his path a single step.. He can only be that one way.. This me who writes would have had it otherwise… but even that is too late now. I don’t know anything about those children anymore, who they are.. The bond is broken. They truly are dead to me now. I feel that.

What their mother did? Whatever results she gets of it? Whatever damaged people those kids are now? That’s all on her, and she can deal with it. I am at the limits of my strength, just fighting death back daily, so badly do I yearn to be dead and gone from this Earth. If I let myself see what those have become under her and that slime molds care? I seriously doubt that I could stop myself from acting out like never before. Her, the husband, her ward of that church.  Somebody would have to kill me to end it, and then where would the kids be?  Orphans.. State custody at least for some time….

I cannot even take the chance of seeing my children… I had to let them die to me. ..

And I am dying fast now.. Kind of like trading my life for theirs.

 

 

There is only one way that I can ever be “okay” with anybody at all. To even have the chance of being okay with anybody else. Only through complete, wide open, soul searching self honesty.  I have to know myself first,  in every way that I can,  as deep as I can find a way to see inside myself . I needed to know and understand everything, all of the reasons “Why?”  Before I ever act, out in the world.. I have to question myself about my motives… My reasoning..  Because I would do no harm to any other human of my own free will..

Killing my children’s “Parents?” That would be a soul shattering kind of thing to them.. I can’t even risk that…. That that I am most of KNOWS THIS.. Knew it in the beginning, before I ever did. That I could cause that breaking to their lives. So he turned his back on them and walked away.. It was the only path that was true to his love for them, and within his moral boundary…  I just realized that earlier today.

Just how I am. I can’t do anything much but accept this world and people as is, and try to negotiate my way through all of the insanity,  without contributing any more to it myself. I don’t know the way for anyone else.  No way that I ever could know, for anyone else, what they need to be doing for themselves.  Have to keep searching a way out for myself, each new day that I wake up to. I don’t even know what’s best for my own children.. I just knew that their mother and stepfather were no longer safe from me, and what that could well lead to.. Hardest thing that I have ever had to do.. Every single day. And yeah,  I do know that is what is killing me now…

And that’s okay with me.

So.. I’ve been “letting go”.. Of all of the anger that I used to cling to, as best as I can manage it. Practice acceptance daily.  Staying “in Gratitude” for the blessings that I have and know;  find gifts and blessings every time that I really get “Observant”,  in all kinds of very small things in this world.   Try very hard to bother no one, ever.

What this world never saw in me, I couldn’t see in myself either.. For far too many years.

The fact is, that when I go all the way down?  Deep within, letting go of everything human, embrace that “Wild one” .  Give myself over to that… “Instinct and intuition”…???

I could never hurt anybody.  Even when ‘I” am all the way gone. Predator only. Apex and Alpha, lost every word… To cause harm to any Human being, any life at all, has no part in the ‘Being that I am’.. That innermost,  hidden me.. This “Public Me” cannot even communicate with “that being” that I most truly am. I share much in his senses, but “he” stands above and beyond me.

Now, in this moment,  having difficulty with words.. That one who I am most?  Has no words. Has no need of words. Does not conceptualize in “language”. Is well aware. Knows numbers. Knows all that it needs to know in every moment.. Is always ‘in the moment’. Observant. Observing with every sense, and sensitive to every single slightest thing that it can observe within “its circle of life”.

That one wants understanding only.. Each and every passing moment brings it new understanding,  yet always buffered by the sense of how small “that I am”,  how limited in vision.  The feeling of awe, a wonder at life and all it cannot know of it. Is deep and wide in that one who I am, at heart. In my soul.

In that “space” when there is no “human consciousness” in that being I am in fact ?  I’m a  just a simple “part of” that “Whole that I am sensing”. Interconnected. Interdependent. Sensing something of “That,  that I am”  in all that I observe, all that I  can sense.

Its not even a “me”,  individual kind of thing.  Which is why I can do no harm to another life, human or any other life.  That one can make no sense of harming any part of “that that I am”.

Having to work at texting, finding the words, right this instant. My innermost self is repelled by my thinking such things. Intruding. Impinging that “Awareness of Being”.

Strange to me it is, how difficult it really fucking is.  To open up… When trying to be all the way  “Me”. That which I am in fact.

Should any part of that, which I do love and cherish in life?   Be threatened with harm? Is another matter completely.  Those things that would do harm, or pose a grave damage to any part of “That which I love”…  Things that prey on the innocent?  Those are my desired prey.  Nothing else I could be.

Those few.. A few times great violence has happened.  What I did,  I own.  I can kill without a thought. Do something other punishing, if ending that life was uncalled for. I am considered in that judgement. Measured..  According to mine own built in value system.  But never one time has there been any intent, any malice in me before that moment Predator acts. I have people treat me heinously sometimes, like ex wives, or their new meal ticket.. And never even raised my voice to them.  I don’t even respond generally. I just turn and walk away.  I can “walk away” from situation’s many “Normal People” often fail to. If I sense no threat to my life, or any of the life I love? I just turn my back and walk away. I have no problem with letting other peoples problems stay their own..  I only defend my life. It is only instinct in response.  Natural law.  It is all motivated, empowered by the intensity of that which I feel first.. Such love for all that life is, in its innocence and beauty. Defend that in an instant, I would.. That one that I am most..? I think that maybe?  More than anything else, love is what drives all that one is…

But love is a word and he knows it not…His “focus” is “Outward”…???

Frustration… I know who I am.. but I cannot put that “knowing” into any words that can make it “intelligible”… Even for myself, this self who can communicate with any “other”. Cannot communicate it to “that self”

I would do no harm if there is anyway I can avoid it.  Will do the opposite of harm; Oppose harm at any time or place.  That which empowers that being that I am, is “Love of Life in all of its parts”.. The core. The foundation of. The only “Pure Truth” that one knows.  That one that I am “Knows” nothing else but that, truly.

He can feel, only.. He has no words.. Cannot grasp any meaning in those twisty, cold, bars and hard wire, metal “things”.. They are not “real” to that one that I am the most. I can’t make any real claim to understanding,  myself. Always that hurts me. Knowing that..  I cannot communicate to my innermost being. A hard thing to live with, all of my years… the Autistic that so many have always feared.. And not 1 person ever “knew me” as I am, most truly, if left alone to be who I was born being.

Not 1 person ever…  Those people I used to be able to see sometimes? Really see them, feel their being inside me?  Never could see “Me”.. That which I am most truly.. They could only see from their own understanding… No one has ever been inside, here with me.

So bleak… There are times when I lose everything, am blinded by that knowing.  All is wasteland. Screaming, howling winds through the abyss.. That sound….  Ripping, tearing, things unknown being torn into pieces… Being scoured. Sandblasted. Shotgunned..

This “Place” I discovered…  When I was very young. Very small… The first “Safe place” I ever found.. As a child I could hide in that.. Down low to the ground.. It felt like finding cracks, holes in the rocks, going under that “surface”, and hiding in the dark beneath. The howling winds a comfort to me..  No one could see me, no one could hear me.. I could scream all that I needed to, in safety.  I would always fall asleep there and it was always warm.. No bad dreams. I could lose myself in the winds,  hear nothing but the screaming outside, and that hid me.

That was a long time ago.  That child long gone.   Safe place?  Meaningless words.

Always, some part of me has been grieving. Crying crying crying.  Some part of me has often had this one thought…

“If only they could know , all that I am… Not a one would ever fear me.  Feel that need to control me.  If only they could know…”

All of the writing that I do?  I do for myself alone.   Trying to make sense of “something”  that I don’t even know…  Do often wish, that my words might find some kind of meaning in some ‘other’.  That some one person might really “see me”.. But that is just wishful thinking.

I still wait. Observing.  Hanging on as long as I can make it happen. That one I am most truly? There is no “quit” in “That that I am”.  This body is dying right now, a little more every passing day of late. It seems a small matter. That one that I am will go on without it very soon, I’ve been sensing.

So I write, hoping to make sense of myself, to myself.  Not really understanding why.  Its always been about me, within me somewhere.  I understand that fact, though it makes no clear sense to me, really, the why of it.

To be that “centered in self”…???   I am not understanding this.. Can’t grasp what it means, in its totality.  Can’t quite get any clear meanings from any of the words that I know.

It hurts me always..  But again, oh well.. Such is life.  Pain always somewhere in it.. I can only accept it.   Having learned now, to handle the weight of it.  Know that its my pain alone.  A certain amount of pain comes with being alive, and everyone has their own pain to live with, as I have long been observing.

I own every part of my life today; Have the responsibility for all of “me”. Every thought, feeling, act… Inescapably my own responsibility always.

Paradoxically, maybe the only true freedom that I have.

 

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Neurally Divergent, accurate but?

Inept.. In the sense that the term does not lend itself easily to the situation of communication, the repeated occasions of typing 6 syllables, all of those letters? To capitalize or not? And Ewww!  Its kinda’ friggin formal and serious and just, you know? Straight up, dry, factual.. And not really appropriate in “real life” conversations. At least, not in my imaginary life. Or the real one either, much.

Sooo… Neurally Divergent >N.D. +=/-   “Endie!”  Chaos theory provides the perfect equation, so elegant in its solution, I’ve always thought. Its the only way I can determine the “Prime Value”, of vitally important words I need to have and know, sometimes…

I’m an “Endie”  Because I Endied up way the fuck out there, on that whole genetic spectrum of humanity thing.. Through no fault of mine own.

I just Endied up out there. Dunno’ how it happened. I don’t remember planning to be anyplace in particular or even being conscious of the event when it occurred..

But oh well. Its a decent area. Ain’t no neighbors close enough ta’ see, and I like that kinda’ view. And Acceptance..  Its a key, one a’ them anyway… A key to some a’ lifes weirdness that jist’ works real well fer’ me, a lotta’ the time.

That makes me an “ENDIE!” by birth.  I Endied up with no other choice, but to accept my “self” as it is,  I am.  Trying to do the best I can with the whole deal.  Fucking A, but I am really liking this word!

Endie!  Yeah… 2 Syllables, short, sharp. Precise, and concise. Politically correct.  P.C. as all fuck, actually. Playful, friendly, embracing my community.. My truest family, I would share a “Happy” name with.

Its kinda’ cute, kinda’ clever, but just that little bit required.  A COMFORTABLE word.

Endie… There do be a few of us, who Endied up scattered around out here, in this rarefied atmosphere.

I  NEEDED A SINGLE WORD!  Damn it.. I’m sorry, but Neurally divergent just doesn’t “do it” for me. Doesn’t “feel”. I can’t hold onto it.

It just seems so very important… To me.. For me..???  You know how it is ??

With people, I have to find some kind of way to make people “personal” to me.. Something that “touches” the “Real me”… I don’t understand words. I have to “feel something”… Something that I can hold onto, kind of, in my “situational awareness” to make people real to me. I have to be able to “sense” something…

Some words seem to give me a very clear “Framework”.. That I can see myself being a “part of”, when it comes to people. I can see other people, in that framework.  I’m very particular about words. I dunno what it is. Can’t wear anything with Labels, logos, any image.. Solid colors, earth colors and black.. I never wear anything with words. Can’t. Don’t own but 1 T~ Shirt with “graphics”.. A gift from someone. A ‘Guy Harvey’  saltwater game fish painting reproduced on it. I’ve had it for years, never even put it on. Its hanging like a print on the wall of this room. Guy Harvey does fine art that I really like.. Saltwater marine environments and life forms.. His name I always liked the “feel of”.  So kept the shirt, though I would never wear such a display.

To be so disrespectful to what words truly are, in their essence? Not something I can do.

I’m an Endie. I just Endied up with this collection of quirks. I dunno’ how it happened.. Dunno why it had to be this way… But words are very very important to me, in their accuracy and ability, in giving me a way to make sense of everything.    This Quirk about personal honesty is tied into that word thing. I have to be accurate. Factual with myself, and really try to keep it real,  or I can lose my place in the world, with me. It kinda’ sucks. Always fucking questioning myself on some level… But, I do know me pretty well, am good with who I am now.. Its weird though.. Being that same kind of honest with other people. As I have observed, most people find honesty intimidating or something.  They never seem to be honest with themselves, about themselves.  And certainly don’t want it from anybody else. Honesty disturbs the majority I have seen, they get fearful and go right into anger.  There is a shallow, surface level awareness they live in, and fiercely defend. They don’t want to know anything too real.

Its only other “Endies” like me, who seem to get into that kinda’ way of engaging with life, or understand what it means to me, that “Have to have!” kinda’ urge for something to be “right”.. The best that it can be, in every way it might be beautiful and perfect..???

Hahahahaha! Me and friggin’ repetitive bullshit!. Always having to have “things” a certain way, to feel okay.. Always wanting that same, step by step, orderly, sensible progression to “The really important things” in life, as I’ve always kind of thought of those things, that only a single way of doing has ever worked for me with…

I know its something about feeling secure..Weird stuff though, after a life time a’ doing the same things over and over, in the same exact ways, or trying to..

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To be “Gifted”, in “N.D. ways” we can be. {Endie!} Yay! We have a new ‘Handle’! I get credit, please?

Recently had a thought… That if there were an “S.Q.” test available?

To test for a Stupidity Quotient?

I would absolutely excel!  Top 1% of humanity. There’s really no doubt in my mind.

I’d bet money, everything I own. Bet I could prove it real easy, scientifically..

Just looking back… If I was to graph out the “major adult choices” I did choose, and the results arrived at?  Side by side with what I’d been thinking I would get, and the results I was trying to achieve in my mind?

I could demonstrate beyond any shadow of a doubt, that being wrong, being completely and totally mistaken in my thinking and beliefs?  Is actually what I do best in life, and have done the most of, as opposed to doing anything even halfway intelligent. Its my greatest natural talent, it would appear.

There’s hundreds or thousands maybe, of independent sources of verification available, even, going all the way back to Kindergarten.. And the very first time that I was ever suspended from school. Got my little butt paddled by the teacher, the principle, Moms’ beat the snot outta’ me.. Pops finished the night off with a knockout… Hahahaha! I ain’t lying either…

I am one of the rarest of human beings, perhaps.. Without even thinking about it,  ol’ Harry boy here can take stupidity to levels few people can even imagine. Its not arrogant of me to make the claim. Its a proven historical fact.  “World Class Stupid”  doesn’t even come close to describing the range of idiocy I have at my instant command.

Its a gift, what can I say?  Its a rather strange gift too.  Its very confusing. I can’t figure any way to profit by it, personally. It seems like a gift oughta’ be worth something ta’ me. I dunno’ whats up with that shit.

And!  It makes me wonder? What the fuck good are any of those I.Q. tests, those first ones forced upon me?  I score high on every one, in any format available.  Always have. Sober or high as fuck, not a lotta’ difference in scores. That’s supposed to indicate some level of intelligence…

But I can prove my stupidity with reality, real world results…

But prove my Intelligence?  I’m totally screwed, right there.  Zero. Zilch. Nada. On the negative side of the scale, minus, Lo Batt, no fucking bars…

So what is up that shit?  Those I.Q. tests? What the fuck are those things any good for, anyway?

Waste a damn time, near as I can tell.

 

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What the hell? I’m no better at being a “good person” yet? What the fuck?

Reality is setting in again.. Neurally divergent as ever I’ve been.. My prime obsession still “shut down”.. This is like 5 days now!

I am really doing some things that I have never been able to do before.. Had never really even thought about doing before…

Like how I have started these past 2 days..??? I’ve always had this “thing”, about there being only 1 “best way” to do some certain things.. Like how I need to start my day, and wake up, get comfortable and back into feeling like I know whats going on in the world again..

Always start my days the same basic way. Make coffee first thing, and in my French press only.  Have to pay attention, the water can’t be too hot when you pour it into the grounds.. Even how I stir the grounds while their being “infused”.. And 4.5 minutes exactly the wait to pour.. Didn’t matter, at home, out in the woods, I would always start my day the same way, with each act in the same order.. Everything always had to happen that exact way, or I was fucked emotionally for the whole day after…

I could settle for less if there were no other way, but I would never be “okay” or content, and would have this anger on a low simmer inside me but ready to explode at the slightest little psychic impact…

I have a lot of little “rituals” These ways I repeat over and over and over, and always have.. The way I take a shower, the whole process, from when I first decide to do so in my room, it always is the same step by step program.. How I cook, when I get serious about cooking, or construction, mechanical work, and of my reading and research activity, I have always had “1 way” that felt like the perfect way to accomplish whatever it was that I was trying to get accomplished…

There was some part of my awareness that knew, that there might be other ways, equally good, easily capable of producing the results I was always after… But I couldn’t even consider what that meant; I could only imagine that 1 way, “my way” could ever give me that “contentment”, the sense of “all is right in my little world here”.

But..I haven’t been doing any of those things the same.. Didn’t even think to make coffee first thing today or yesterday either! It was almost 1 pm before I felt like I wanted coffee, that taste… Haven’t been following any of the other little daily rituals that i have always loved following. I always felt a sense of being “okay” like I was safe, so long as I could do those things that I needed to do in their proper order…

Which is really blowing my mind.. In part because I don’t feel bad about any of it. More a kind of amused, a little confused, don’t quite understand whats happening but not worried about anything..

So there are some things in me, that have changed, about my autism, that obsessive, no choice, what has always been kind of “dominant” in my behaviors…

And I was thinking that Wow!  I have lost all of the “negatives”, all those parts of me that really bother and often scare other, more “Normative” genetic type people… I won’t ever hurt anybody again, won’t be freaking people out anymore. Life is going to become some kind of amazing!

But fuck me! NOT…  I was frigging wrong again. Incorrect with my thinking. Letting my brain play, and think.. With no “adult” supervision…

I haven’t changed much at all, I don’t think.. Still can zone out, lose my words, get “paralyzed” physically and mentally, while my mind has gone “off” trying to get some understanding, a grip on reality that I lose sometimes..  My dark side, inner “Predator” still there, still “alert”. Looking out for any dangers to my person.. Morals just the same, and nothing like most peoples. What is moral and right for me most people would not be able to see the sense of, and the logic behind it.

So, its weird… I was thinking that I would be.. I dunno’ really, but “better”.. Nicer, kinder in every way.. And that I would lose that part of me who can so easily do violence, just flip right into full on attack…In “Kill mode”.. That Part.. My predator, he can take over whenever he senses a serious threat.. And he has no words. Doesn’t think. He just goes with the flow, and has just a single goal, ever.. Destroy the threat. Obliterate. Kill it. Make it go away and disappear forever.  Its like the only solution. Life or death, and my predator doesn’t care what results.. That “prey” will die or I will. Either way the problem is solved…

That is still there within me… There are a few little “security” practices I have that I am still repeating. A lot has changed, but most of me seems to be pretty much the same… I’m no better a person overall… I’ve just lost an obsession that controlled a big part of my life.. Its kind of making me feel a little fear. Nervous.

Its really hard, not knowing, not having the least little bit of certainty about doing anything “real”. I don’t have “urgent need” pulling me right to exactly what I should be doing anymore…

And its like I can’t quite figure out what I should be doing with myself. I don’t really know what to do, beyond the basic physical self care stuff.. Still can’t bring myself to leave my building and maybe go to the grocery store.. Its been some days since I ate a real meal, I think maybe.. Bread went moldy and the milk went sour a couple days back. Not much to eat in my room… Fig newtons. Water. Flour. Coconut oil…

But.. One big difference seems to be that I seem not to be feeling any real anger about any of this going on.. Not feeling that need to “get away” get out of town and away from all people..  I do feel confused. Irritated. Frustrated… But its all this weird, like low intensity emotions..

That is actually maybe a big deal. A sign, or ‘clue’ about something.. Emotional, it seems as if I have chilled out so cool.. I think that I am not feeling anything with the same kind of “intensity” as I always feel.. Positive or negative..  Its like this weird, calm, nothing is any big deal. Even my not understanding much of anything going on, is okay. Nothing to worry about.

Its got me all off balance and uncomfortable. Feeling anxious. A little fearful, but only that “little bit”… I don’t get it.. Some things have changed, for real.. Others seem not to have changed at all.. Except for this “chill out” straight across my whole range of emotions… I’m not feeling that well of anger in me, right there next to the surface and ready to tap into.

I dunno’.. I could maybe deal with some peoples stupidity today, and maybe not even really get “angry” like I do, on the edge of out of control and hungering to do violence to somebody or something…

Discovering this online community of the, we? Us neurally divergent human beings?  Its kind of trashed everything that I was sure of, about myself..  Which is okay, I guess. If a thing can be destroyed by real truths? It should be destroyed. I get the concept, it does apply to me personally….

But how does one find something new to believe in and hold onto?

 

I’m feeling like I am losing myself again… Its not really a bad.. maybe.. Its scary, and I wish that it wasn’t happening,, But maybe it needs too?  For me?

Ah well.  Still not understanding much about life, me, you people out there in the world. Hahahaha! That has not changed, and I guess I should maybe work on getting comfortable with “not knowing”. Maybe work on letting go of thinking that I should  understand anything much in particular..

Count my blessings maybe. Not really mad at anything personal. I don’t know anybody who has any real problem with me. I’m not doing anything that could harm anyone else or this planet…

That is actually kind a big deal.. I’m not causing any damage with any part of how I live my life today, to anyone else, even accidental..  That is a real good thing that I have going on right there, now that I’ve seen it clear..

And fucking A! If thats all that I can manage to get done today? then its a fucking really good day all by itself.

Okay. Cool. I can take a break and turn this computer off. Go outside. look at the sky.. and I’m gonna stay in the moment as long as I can hold on to it…

Talk atcha’all later, eh?

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Stunned and amazed! Me! Autistic and CHANGING!??! What the fuck?

Seriously… Who Knew about this?  Why didn’t I ever get informed about it, all those years ago?

That it could get better…  That I wasn’t some “irrevocable, unchangeable thing”. Damaged goods, genetically…???

Why the FUCK! Did nobody ever tell me? Didn’t anybody know?

That that hunger, need, addiction that fucking ruled and ordered my whole being could actually “Be fulfilled”. That need met, and not just met but healed. The empty place in me that gave birth to that need could in fact be filled, and made whole..

That compulsion, the addiction I knew every waking minute just evaporate and loose all of its power over me, but leave me in peace, with these lessons now learned..

Free of all of those things that use to hold me, all of the fears that drove me.

4 days now.. That would have been impossible for me to have anything like them, so easy. Comfortable. No pressure. Happy?  To be happy is sooo fucking weird!  I am not sure if I really like it all the way.  Ewww! Its like, way too touchy feelie strange, immature.

I really do think more and more, that it really did happen.. That prime autistic program, the directive I followed, basically? It got what it needed. Found its answers… And then it turned off all by itself, because it was done. Over.

I had to delete hundreds of unread emails earlier today. I’ve gotten too far behind in my reading. My science newsletters and journals, the research feeds which are daily updates from Greenland or Antarctic researchers.. I have 2 different email accounts just for tracking the data, the raw instrument feeds… Everyday of my life its part of how I wake up, always do the same exact things everyday, so strongly a creature of habit. Autistic obsessive I’ve always been. Drink a liter of water while making coffee. Attend to bodily functions quickly. Wash face and hands, turn on computer.. By the time I pour that awesome nectar out of the French press into the coffee mug. my homepage and whatever new information is in is right there in front of me and I’m off to the races. Always start my days that same way, in the same exact order. Wouldn’t ever think of changing it.

It just changed all by itself, it did.

Haven’t read any of it 4 days running now, and feeling almost maniacally happy about it! I have never been, never felt so free. I don’t really need any of that stuff, right now.  Don’t need to know about every new horror or happening in the greater world either…

Its not really that important. I have wants, yes.. Have real needs, yes… But that old obsession of mine isn’t anywhere on the lists anymore…

Its not even strange really, because I can look back over these past few weeks easily enough. Follow the progression in what I was posting myself over that time..Observing the experience.. But Hahahahaha!  Drawing all of the wrongest conclusions possible.. Unable to even conceive of feeling, or thinking, or knowing what I do in this moment..

Being happy, happy at being just a Human being.. Genetically divergent, but then again, it seems like we all are that, together.. We human beings are a pretty diverse group in fact.. All over the map…  That is so cool.. Diversity in Ecosystems is sign of health, and resilience. Its always a positive in nature.

We are nature too, we human beings..in all the ways that nature does express in us…

I am finding soo much comfort in just this 1 realization alone. And feeling this wave, like a Tsunami of Gratitude… Because I know its not me that made this possible.. But finding this ‘Community” of we neurally divergent people online.. Having that time to read all of the different people and posts that I read.. Realizing there were people in the world basically just like me, and they had a kind of success in life I’d never had, and never thought I could… Iread things that some said, that gave me a whole new picture of reality, and humanity. How things might be… And it all made sense to me… Over and over, a lot of different “Autistics” were making more sense to me than I ever been able to find on my own…

Finding this community , we in the Neurally Divergent ‘tribe’, has changed everything I knew, in a sense… It just took awhile, as usual, for me to get a grasp on the meaning, and start to understand.. Hahahaha!

Peace is in me… I can cry again.. I am, right now.. Very quietly.. Big joyful fat tears, warm and wet, just keep welling up out of these eyes.. Nose running like a faucet..

That is really weird, when you consider it. Not very sensible at all.

That feeling joy like this turns one into such a freaking mess!  I can’t even see, tears and snot all over the fucking place, and some even dripped off of my nose and is now, a nasty Ewww!  I have to change my shirt right now! That is gross and disgusting! Hahahaha!

This connection between happiness and the production of unattractive bodily secretions is beyond me. I don’t see any survival value to it…. Ewww! Snot? Get it away from me!

 

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Lost in wonder! Awe! Feeling so much, all so beautiful and GOOD!

Holy shit, but I am liking this…  It has for fucking real! Actually happened… That that “Obsessive, SEVERE” thing in me has disappeared…

I think my “Original Autistic Program” reached a real, physical end.  It finished. Completed. Found all of the understanding that it has always been chasing after.

Its the most amazing thing… I almost don’t know what to do with myself now…

To discover that there are in fact MANY PEOPLE LIKE ME!!!   Holy shit… It just changes everything I knew…Or thought I knew.  Just barely tip toeing around the outside of this “Community”.. NEURALLY DIVERGENT…

I love that “Label”.  Identity… I love those 2 words…  I will wear that label proudly, gratefully, even humbly maybe…  I think I will be knowing more about “Humility” now..

I had been angry since “Aspergers” racist history became public knowledge, and I lost my first “Identity” that I had been so comfortable and content with.. “Aspie”   I thought of myself as an “Aspie” for many years, and it was really a fucked up thing for me, to lose what that word had meant to me.

Autistic I accepted, but never liked the sound of that word, or the way it feels to say it out loud or even think it..

Neurally Divergent… When first I read those 2 words and they registered, blew everything else away because it was an instant change of states. Paradigm shift. The Convergence is complete.

I was “Home” and I knew it.. Kinda’ feeling it in every little particle of my being, that I wasn’t alone anymore, at that foundational, central core of my being… I am one of MANY!!!  People like me!  I am so amazed..

People who see what I see, understand this world, this reality, in the same way I do… Feel like I feel, that intensity.. Or the total absence of.  I read it, I really “see it!” in your words.. Those things you all share, what is important to you TO share in the first place, was important to me just the same, so many times.. But even in those “different” perspectives shared, I could see something of me too. We encompass such a diversity within ourselves as individuals, my goodness!  How much the expression across the whole of “US” ???

Us.. We. I can’t hardly get my mind wrapped around this new fact.. That I am truly a part of any real grouping of human beings, much fucking less just another little thread in the Fabric of all that humanity is, has been, or might ever be…

But I fucking feel it.. In my body even.. Everything feels different now.

Holy shit, but this is the most incredible, mind blowing, growing, expanding experience that I have ever tripped over myself and fallen into…

My original purpose “fulfilled”, I am actually free… I could do anything, go anywhere, Hahahaha! I mean, you know, hypothetically speaking.  But for a fact, finding the community of neurally divergent souls online, so much like me and mine?  Set me free. Was the key to the cipher, and gave me the answer… I understand “People” now… I really am one myself…

Hahahahahaha!  Its hitting me as abso~fucking~lutely hilarious too, just now. I might have lost my “obsession”, but I still have all of my “stupid” in good working order. My brain is just flip flopping all over the place, can’t figure out what to do with itself or think anymore!  Hahahaha!  A brain is a strange thing to have.  I’m not sure if they are really a positive or negative kinda’ thing ta’ have, actually… Talk about mixed results…

 

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“Mentat”, as a ‘type’, in Genetic Spectrum disorders. An Autistic perspective.

If  you don’t Know what a “Mentat” is?  Get the fuck away from me! If you never read Frank Herbert? I don’t want to know you exist. Seriously.

But I digress.

The genetic hand that wired the being I am, created something like a computer between my ears… It can only take in data in certain formats, almost binary like.. But it has an enormous memory capacity, is capable of accepting a wide range of data points across a very broad field….Hunts that data down insatiably.

Some “Alpha Prime”  sub program “correlates” data. It makes “connections”. It can only function with hard, physical evidence and numbers. It must have multiple inputs of independent source data on every “active research program” running in the operating system.

Its completely an unconscious process in me. I never had any idea; had not made this mental connection until just recently.

I was born Autistic, with these programs already up and running, tightly focused on 1 basic obsession from the very beginning. From my earliest memories until this very moment, its always been 1 way only I can be. “Mind” could only work 1 way, follow the operating program hardwired in…

Its a physical part of me. In my brain and neural wiring, the senses, instinct, everything… Its not something that can be changed by any outside influence, and it has never been under any part of “My control”. This being who is conscious of self and others I am, in part…

One ends up accumulating what seems to be a very large store of knowledge; of factual data files, which has the depth of years and very clear progressions. Across multiple categories of science related to that 1 Primary obsession and drive…

Knowledge and intelligence are 2 very different things however. I know that for a fact. Personal experience.  Vast warehouses full of knowledge, facts,  an ocean of data in my head.. And not even a little back yard tool shed for intelligence. I’m really not sure if I even have any of that in me, intelligence.. I can do world class stupid though, another fact. Thousands of sources of independent verification available in support of that fact in particular.

I can work with the “numbers”.. Add things up. Make connections.  Make very accurate projections about how a scenario is going to play out, and even end, by working those numbers to their final solutions…

It kinda’ sucks. I could almost wish that I was the average clueless human, and couldn’t even conceive of what I know for a fact is going to devastate humanity in the coming years. That catastrophic climate change and drastic sea level rise is inevitable. Physics guarantee it, based on current, well known hard numbers and percentages of Greenhouse gasses in our Earths atmosphere right now today. At this very moment.  Added to the amounts we are adding in addition each passing year?

One gets an extinction level geological event. Its happened 5 times before, and each time associated with rising CO2 levels and a warming climate phase. That’s a matter of the geological record backed up by Geochemistry. Physical fact.

Its not rocket science. Its one plus one equals two kinda’ math. Basic Physics. Numbers anybody might determine for themselves if they cared to do the research.

I fucking A do fail to see why most of humanity never does their own research to discover any kind of real truths about anything…

Its stunning to me, when I really contemplate the genetic norm humans. Just incomprehensible to me, how they are so out of touch with reality, as I understand reality to be.. I swear, I get so utterly flabbergasted  by “Normies” sometimes,  that its like my mind has dissolved. I feel like I could just disappear from this earth. Fade away into nothing..

Because this can’t be right, where I am, these “Others” in their nonsensical reality..But there are billions of those “Others”.. And only this 1 of “Me”, so far as I know…

So I must the anomaly.. Some artifact..Ghost in system…  I might not be real at all, basically… Just a mistake.  Junk DNA. I don’t exist for any of those “others”… No real presence in this “world” I view from my distance.. Meaningless.

I am nothing of any matter.

That is really, kind of a “freeing” realization. Actually feeling as content and “Okay” as ever I get.. Safe within my little room. Middle of the night quiet “outside”.. No desire for anything, just in “observation mode” looking within..

Although, it would be so very nice, even perfect.. If the next time that I fall sleep or pass out, might be the last time. I really don’t want to wake up anymore.. No point to it, really… To be conscious is always such a bothersome, tiring thing to be stuck in. I’m feelin’ like, “Okay. I been there and done all of that stuff. Life. Whatever. Gave it my best shot and went as far as I could go…  I can be finished now. No need to repeat anymore of it. Its not like anything could possibly change. Life.. Reality?  It is what it is. I have no control over any of it. No reason to be anymore part of it. Its not my place. Never was.

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I see giant, 8 plus Earthquakes, and huge Volcanic Eruptions, about to start happening… Seriously!

Its that “Autistic thing” in me… My brain “correlates data” from a wide range of scientific studies across my fields of interest..Which are the “Life sciences”, in large part.

Being autistic, I was obsessed with trying to learn about “Why?” Why am I as I am, or anyone else they way that they are?  Why is life? Which lead to researching the origins of life on Earth, and how life actually evolved. How did life change, and why?

Was intrigued by that first,  end Permian great extinction event. As much as 90 % of all life on Earth had died off. Found the chemistry that was preserved in the rock being created at the time. The actual “record” of many of the changes in the Earths atmosphere during those time periods.

Became particularly interested in end of the Dinosaurs..The Jurassic/Cretaceous mass extinction event.. I came to believe that the asteroid impact was only half the reason for the extinction…Because according to the “records” found in the rock? The Earths climate had been changing quite fast, warming rapidly before the impact ever occurred… Some of the Dinosaurs were already dying off.

The reasons for this are unclear, but the chemical signature of high Atmospheric CO2 in rock formed prior to that impact is irrefutable. And at the time the ‘Deccan Traps’ a massive volcanic rift in the area of the Indian sub continent, were putting out a tremendous amount of “Flood Basalt” deposits; and megatons of CO2 into the air.

I see in the “rock record” formed around the time of each of the great 5 previous extinctions, that high atmospheric CO2 is present in each case.. We also have the ancient basalt deposits giving evidence of the volcanic origin of a good percentage of that CO2…

I had wondered, how?   Why did these giant, and often very long eruptive phases occur? So I have read and studied everything that I could find that might relate, for many years. Right up to today, in fact.

Just recently, I’ve started to see a possible “cause and effect” chain of events going on right now on our planet Earth.. That I believe will produce a big increase in very large Earthquakes and volcanic eruptions.. Possibly even leading to a “super eruption”, and a new, long term rift system to open up and start pumping more gasses out into the atmosphere.

I believe that with Greenland and Antarctica’s ice caps melting away so rapidly, the great transfer of mass weight to very different locations; is going to trigger some great changes in Tectonic Plate interactions. Antarctica and Greenland’s plates are floating “upwards” as they become lighter.. And some other points on “plates” will be becoming much heavier from the new weight of water, and sinking into the crust… All this on a big ball spinning at high speed through space.

The Earths Tectonic plates will all be shifting positions somewhat. Stress points will all change greatly. Centers of gravity shift… Its fairly simple Physics that will play out..That I think that humanity might be seeing evidence of happening, even now… There has been a very distinct increase in the number of “noticeable” earthquakes in the past 18 months, compared to the past 20 years, which was all the further back that I wanted to investigate. By “noticeable” I mean Earthquakes causing structural damage at the surface..

There also seems to be an increasing number of volcanic Eruptions… But I have not tracked down those past records to compare to the recent record…

 

Still…. I think that humanity is facing some very dangerous “unforeseen consequences” , from our burning of coal and oil to meet our energy needs.. There are other ways we might have met those needs, were it not for “Capitalism”… The extreme selfishness and greed of the “Corporate”, western world.

I see Earthquakes and lightnin’.. I see, trouble on the way…

Mystic Autistic.. Has anyone seen my obsession? Tell it to go back home!

A little over 3 weeks now, I think.. The main “Drive” shut down.. My obsession just went quiet..I never had a “break” like this though.. Its not a ‘real’ break..

But I am thinking that “Extreme Obsession” is not going to “turn on” again.. Fuck me..Hard time with words today…I am scared to say this!

But I got to wondering about something earlier..And that train a’ thought might have given me the reason.. Not sure about it, of course. Rarely sure of anything much, but I think that I know whats happening..

I am, like maybe “on the edge”  of… I dunno’ how to say..  I have been working on my self..Just trying to get a grip on some better behaviors.. Had a lot of success over the past 12 years especially.. Had gotten to be more comfortable with the world, other people, myself..  I think maybe, that I did find some tools to help me mentally and emotionally. Helped me to stay “Balanced”..

And I think that my “Inner Autistic” was finally able to find what it needed, an understanding of some kind.. I’m thinking maybe I am reintegrating… Maybe I did already!?!

Becoming a “whole person”.. My obsession is fucking gone, that main driving force.. Its weird. I still have every little quirk, and all of same  kind of obsessive behaviors.. Or maybe! Whoa! And much more probable.. I think I’ve lost the “Extreme”.. Holy shit, that is precisely what is gone, and only that.. I still all of the , the same passions, same interests.. Its just that damned EXTREME behind them that is no longer there..

And losing that extreme is letting “free” of some of the patterns of behavior.. I cannot hardly believe whats been going on with my coffee trip.. I have had the is 1 way only to make coffee, the Best way! Best times, In a FRENCH PRESS always.. always first thing I did upon awaking and taking care of the ‘necessaries’, I ‘d be making coffee and starting my day in the very precise way that I have always found very comforting.. And that ritual of mine , all of the importance to is just gone.

Mentat Autistic… Voting.. What good little serial killers do!

I despise the Average American voter.. The Patri~idiot American “taxpayer”

It makes me feel nauseous, to contemplate “The Average American Citizen.”   I feel repelled just being in the same public space with any of them.  Which makes the fucking elections just a torturous time of year for me.

Voters are the about the worst kind of monsters that I can imagine, and to be quite honest, killing them all off seems a very reasonable thing to consider doing. It just makes my skin crawl, I feel this sense of disgust and hate having to share any kind of close proximity with most Americans. I recoil from them. Always, at an emotional level.

Because they are all MONSTERS!  Psychopathic Homicidal Maniacs every single tax paying, voting American “Citizen” is, in my eyes, and by any Internationally accepted legal definitions of the term:  they are serial killers. Every American voter personally responsible for the death of thousands of innocent people…

I can prove every word that I say with facts, documented with multiple independent sources from all around our Earth.

American voters are nothing but a bunch of baby killing monsters. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see to see a “Trump Supporter” advocate for butchering and barbequing the “lessor races”,  for food.  Capitalism “makes commodities”  out of everything,  including human beings; assigns everything a value and a purpose for being.

Human life is to be profited from and enjoyed, is the core value OF Capitalism.. Cannibalizing, eating people? Not far removed in reality,  what those Politicians do to every other part of the average citizens life today. The “Political Elite’s” feed” off of other  peoples lives, like Vampires.

I’m not your average fucking brain dead citizen, however.  Neurally divergent and ‘Gifted”, actually.   Am a deep thinking, objective, and critical analyst of Current American society, and so am quite familiar with its pathology.

“Statistical analysis” is one of my “Quirks” .. I can work with large groups and sequences of numbers at several different levels of processing.. Using a different math type at each level concurrently, while encompassing it within framework of time and space which gives it scale, and from that will “emerge” an “image”.   And I “see” the Prime Solution, with a scale of “Less Probable Solutions” based on “odds and averages” trailing off after it.

It just happens in my head all by itself.  Its not like I ever have any choice about it.  I’ll get “hooked” on some number set,  see an equation/ value unknown…???  And I’m lost in it..  Until I work out that “unknown”.  I very accurately can predict outcomes for all kinds of events, that I may not know anything about except the numbers and their “values” in that “field”.

I can’t “force it” to happen. I did try! It doesn’t work much for gambling at all, except Blackjack.. I won a few thousand dollars playing blackjack..  I dunno’ why though. I would only ever play for 1 night in any one place, and soon as I reached 2,800 dollars I would fold my hand and cash out.. Done that 3 times..Each time separated by a few years too.. Never even thought about until tonight..But I’ could win money and it was like an immunization.. I would just lose all interest in “money”,  the acquiring of it? For some years after.. 5 years between Casinos…

I dunno’ whats up with that. First time I  ever saw that ‘Pattern’..???

See? Fucking numbers, sets, and patterns just hook up my inner Autistic at that deep level so easily…

So I know for a fact what that ” social sculpting tool” voting results in, as a “solution” to the problems it is being applied to.  I can prove it mathematically to to a high degree of statistical probability. Just one of things my brain does. There’s nothing I can do about it,  high degree of proven accuracy over 30 years and more.

Voters are the worlds worst terrorists today.. Serial killers, every single Patri~idiot one a’ them.

=The Autistic Mentat ~ Critical Mystical

I’ve noted with interest the increase in the  “Neurally Divergent” population over the past decade or so… From my distance..

Having never even considered “Coming out” and joining “into” any of those new Autism related websites showing up on the internet… But kept reading everything I ever saw in any medium that related to Autism or Genetic spectrum disorders. Simply being who I am, observant..But “Hidden”… The first life lesson that I ever learned was to hide everything about myself..

I was 15 years old, in State Custody as a “Ward of the Courts”.. The State actually trying to help that child that they perceived me as being…Had placed me in what was considered to a cutting edge “Treatment Facility”  for “Disturbed Teens”..  The ‘Cedu Foundation’ secured live in center outside of Running Springs, in the San Bernadino Mountains by The “Big Bear” & “Mammoth Ski resorts”  I think the Corporate Head Quarters were in Beverly Hills, or perhaps Santa Monica. Me and some other kids got put on display a couple of times in those 2 locations.  Local news “fluff and nonsense”.  Publicity. Advertising. There was serious money involved and most of the “patients” were children of the “Rich and Famous”..

They did treat us real well physically, had all the comforts, coed, small class room sizes. I think maybe,  that I had never been fed so well before.  The place surrounded by Ponderosa Pine Forests and Bordering the National park or something.  Educational Nature hikes in the woods. Lots of healthy exercise. Had their own, “green”  closed loop sewage and wastewater treatment. That system actually did fascinate me back then, had a lasting influence.  In my late 30’s I was demonstrating “Humanure Composting Toilets” on the Island of Mindanao, and it was that closed loop sewage treatment system that was the beginning. Might have saved some kids lives from dying of waterborne diseases, that Because the same idea is still spreading across Mindanao, in a  much more sustainable tech model that I delivered first to that region. . I get some news updates from there still, every now and again..THERAPY AND TREATMENT…There was a lot of sense to the place, the Staff did the best that they could, I do think.. With the knowledge available to them, in that time…

I will say, the Cedu Foundation was among the very few places where I never saw, or experienced myself, anything like “Criminally Abusive” behavior. The staff had high moral standards; they truly did care, I do believe now..

But I was that wild little Autistic and didn’t understand anything about that at the time.  I had been centered only on ‘Escape!”  before the Custody Van had even delivered me to the place. Keeping an eye out for how to get back to the streets ..

Still, that was the first time ever that I ran into the term “Asperger’s Syndrome”.. I don’t remember a lot of detail, but a decent Therapist. Young guy, might have been from India… He shared a tons of books to me, the place had a good library too. School those disturbed little minds…

He made that first diagnosis.. I think his Boss or the head of the Psych staff disagreed.. No matter… The key thing was those darned books! He had this one..Had some case histories and stuff.. And I KNEW!  I fucking knew that was me..And didn’t even want to know anything like that. Didn’t want to believe it. Wouldn’t even accept it. I already had a “Core Identity” my inner Predator, and I wasn’t giving him up for nothing.. I think I managed my escape about 3 days after.. State lost custody  awhile..

My next State Contact I was 17,  had been declared fit for trial as an adult on a major, multiple felony case.. Violent Crime..

Oh well. Fecal matter does materialize at times, and the shit hit the fan in that Courtroom..

Some years later, in Oregon, I was just manipulating my way out of another prison system… And .. Its a weird thing.. I think I remember the name of my Parole Officer, a young woman.. Who was a rare human indeed. She held herself to a very high standard of ethics, and was a truly caring person I do believe now, only wanted to serve humanity as best as she could see her way to do that..  Lucinda Denherder.. I think her name was.. 1983? I paroled to Eugene Oregon on an early release, due to  a scholarship program the Prison had offered..

State of Oregon, the Oregon State Correctional institution, at that time? As good as Prison could be.. I can’t complain about any of the treatment that I received from ANY of the Prison staff there at all, and am forever grateful for the educational opportunities that were available.. I had done the crimes, didn’t get away with everything, and had no complaints about paying the price and doing the time. I was always in the prison of my Autism. Behind the walls and under the gun towers was no different to me than being on any cities streets, emotionally.. And nobody messed with me among the other convicts because I had a “rep” all over the west coast underground and Prison systems as a totally insane killer who’d go after anybody.. Started out at 11..?? Ward of the Court, State of California. I had made “my bones”. People knew.  I had a head start on the career Criminal track, committed to it before I ever had a clue…

But Oregon?  That Parole officer pushed me into stuff outside of the college track that I had to pass, just to stay out on the streets. A part time job and “Psychotherapy”. She kept me busy working at something 7 days a week.

And that led to the second time that I ran into that Asperger’s Diagnosis, plus I had some college Professors going nuts because I was acing tests, having discovered that I could “test for credits” and submit a “Thesis” and challenge for a degree.. Sign up for class, get the course outline, calendar, and textbooks. Then first day of class request the the final exam and wipe it out.. Under any time limit…

That was the first time that any professional ever noticed that my mind was a little different. That I could do all of the reading needed for any “Bachelor level 2 year degree in an easy 3 day weekend and then go to back to class and ace the final exam.. While all of the other students were still in the first chapter of the first textbook in the course. First time that I can remember taking any ‘I.Q.’ test. Remember that I scored a 135.. I liked the “solidness” , a feeling about that particular number sequence..

“5,3,3” is my favorite though.. I have no clue why I sometimes chant that sequence while walking in to town.. But out in the wild lands I do this totally different thing.. Chanting 3 sequence groups in this particular order, and then backwards to the beginning. It paints  “Fibonacci sequences”  in my minds eye that seem to turn into to these wildflowers that I always end up down on my knees beside, taking a photo of.. I have not the slightest clue how that works, or why I do that chant!  Its never a conscious thing at the start. I can’t quite get a “grasp” on where that particular series of numbers came from.. I always say in in the same orders, same sets.. No idea how it ever even got started.

First time I was ever called a “Savant”. I didn’t like the sound of the word immediately!  Hahahaha! I don’t even KNOW WHY!  Still to this day, the sound and “feel” of a word, as I say in my mind?. Some words just “feel bad”. They kind of give me the creeps. I might not even know the meaning, first time hearing it.. Or the opposite might be. Some words just “feel” so good! Sensuous. Sometimes I get scents, I smell it something like its right in front of my face.. Generally always some kind of spice like Vanilla or cinnamon, with a kind of background of “Rich, Moist dark Earth”… The kind of soil that just begs for you to be planting a buncha’ seeds…Something about strawberries in particular, I have planted a strawberry “patch” everywhere that I ever lived after I’d quit being a criminal. Its a “whole plant addiction”, too! I had to read every book, try to grow every variety. Get stupid and be down and my hands and knees in the mud taking photos of the first wild strawberry blossom of each year. For real. I got pictures of friggin’ that exact thing in this laptop right here! That is my Autism… Strange stuff!  I don’t even understand it.. These little wild strawberries around here rarely ever get big enough to taste. 100 of them might not even stuff your mouth full.. And I’ve been taking pictures of them for over 30 years now?  This last one ain’t no different from that first one. I don’t even GET! what the fuck is up with that? Hahahaha! Yeah, it is basically a harmless little obsession.. But why? Fuck me! What the hell could ever be so important about strawberries? Why can’t I ever have an obsession to make money or do something at least half way sensible? FUCK ?! The first picture was plenty.  The only change in over 30 years of being stupid about Strawberries, is that they’re blooming a solid 4 weeks earlier now, in early May. Was early June in my younger days

I had dropped out high school as a Freshman.. Hahahaha! And since I had been in state hands, when they could catch me, since I was 11 they had every record available…  But they had never know what was up with me for real until I found a way into college.. The State of Oregon made that possible, had some mighty fine human beings running their prison system.. And I owe them.. They did change my life.. I read a whole library, non Fiction, 25,000 books approximately, while in the Custody of the State of Oregon.

Never did any kind of “Violent Crime” again.. I did get all involved in the Cannabis Underground,,, But that was truly Medical Use for the criminally insane young man I was back then.. And never ever anything like violence involved to this very day!

Unless you were a Grasshopper in the garden. Killed a lotta’ Grasshoppers, Yeah. Destroyed a few Cheesecakes in one sitting. Pizza never had chance to escape from me, ever. I even wipe out the Anchovies!  Could hurt a fridge door, torquing the hinges from leaning on it and twisting around looking inside the box.. Looking for what to munch on next…

And , I guess I have blown up a couple, or maybe 5 or 6 big speakers.. Killed those suckers dead, too! Cheap speakers, Hard Rock at max volume? The speakers never win… Hahahaha!