I dunno’.. I should maybe be apologizing to the whole world, every now and again.
Been kind of ‘recognizing’ that I have “slipped” all of the leashes. Gone off the hook, gone all the way wild. Autistic on the run.
Never had a break like this one before, though.. Being still some kind of aware. Mind still talking, using words. Don’t even feel like I’m “losing my words”, or “going predator”…
I dunno whats going on with this, really. Maybe something about being all of the way open in every part of me, now. Open to my true self. Open to the whole world.
Not hiding from anything about me anymore. Just being all the way “me”. Speaking my truth alone. Or not. To sit in silence and listen, I can do for days. Whatever.
Its freed me up, some kind of way. I do feel in control. No fear.
I know that I’ve been talking a lot of trash at the world lately. Might have upset some people. I don’t really wish to disturb anyone, but? Oh well. “Other People” ? Their feelings are theirs alone, and no business of mine.
I do try to keep every personal word of mine just as honest as I can make it for myself. I talk a lot of shit sometimes, but don’t make false statements, as a rule. I don’t lie about any facts. Won’t make any claims about “Reality”, climate change, the USA, history, whatever it may be, without knowing that I can document that claim with multiple independent sources of verification, public and available to anyone who cares to do their own researching, to learn personally for themselves.
Feeling sad.. Not for myself, but for any other.. Who might chance to read my words. I am so sorry. I don’t wish to make anyone distraught or uncomfortable. But the facts are what they are. I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time. But was seriously fucking twisted into some monstrously wrong thinking at the very beginning of life, for me… Amoral. Was crafted into that “Amoral” singularity I came to be, by Monsters who wore a human form, Can’t even remember when I quit trying to communicate anything real at all, to any other “Human being”. Those first ones of my experience of life… ???? Those monsters sculpted that, whatever I was born as. They crafted a masterpiece in this.. That I am.. The perfect Monster to destroy just such as they.
And that, I would apologize for to anyone who knew of me. I did so many wrongs, learning what could be right.. I hurt more people than I can ever know or even make any amends to. I am guilty of inflicting horrible wounds to peoples hearts and minds, maybe souls? I don’t even know. Too many years I only saw people as 1 of 2 things… Predator or Prey. One or the other.. I had survived being born the victim, born prey… Survived and became a predator.. At such a young age…13.. I’d barely turned 13 years old, I think, when that happened, and Predator was born in that instant. The first time that I had backed a monster away from me. Saw that look of shock come up in his face.. The ways his eyes flared wide, when he realized that I was just getting started. Just before he turned and ran away from me.. I remember, I laughed, because he ran the wrongest possible way, to get away from ME… He ran down the trail deeper into the woods.. Into this canyons beginning.. The opposite direction from the road, town, any other people.
Bad mistake for him.. I didn’t know what I was yet, what I was about. I just knew that I had the power now to hurt monsters like him, and I was loving it. It was my miracle.. Saved my life and changed everything about what I’d been doing to survive.. I can almost remember thinking “Oooooooo! YES!!!! This is what I was born to do! Kill those fucking Monsters that hurt kids like ME!” That’s about how it was. How I felt. Let him run. Took my time thinking about how I needed to do this new “quest”.. And get away with it. To not even be suspected. My natural Autistic was always trying to keep the world from knowing anything about his “true self” anyway.. Getting away with murder just an extension of the same behavior, hidden under the same camouflage.
Figured out what I needed to do to keep myself safe for a time, then went down the trail after that Guy.. Didn’t really know anything. wasn’t thinking in anymore words by that time. Only knew that I couldn’t let him get away, and I was gonna’ need to make his body disappear.
Got it done. Wasn’t easy either. He was a lot bigger than me. He was so heavy I couldn’t hardly drag him down hill.. But I got it done. Creatively. Adaptive. Wild little autistic who’d been escaping into reading since he’d figured out how to read at about 4 years old.. Knew a lot about his local ecosystem, and “how things work”… All the knowledge I needed was already in my mind, and I didn’t even have to think… The knowing of what to do next, and why, just kept “expressing itself” in my mind..
Don’t anyone even make a statement judging me for any act of mine.. No one else has the right to judge me, or any act that I have ever done, against someone who first acted against my person.
I don’t even care what any other human being thinks… Most human beings are monsters in their own fucking right, in these United States that has been invading other countries and murdering millions of fucking innocent people who never did any harm to the USA or anyone else in the world.
The good citizens of America, voting repeatedly to keep the Killer Government going, all the years of my life, and paying the taxes to fund this killing spree the Military/Industrial complex and the Billionaires have found to be so profitable and great for the American economy…
Every tax paying American has been an active co conspirator to genocide and terrorism, crimes against humanity beyond count, serial killers of millions of innocents and funding the terrorist state of israhell which specializes in murdering unarmed women and children.
No American who has supported the USA, who votes, who pays taxes? Has any morality, or Ethical background to judge a fucking dog show.. Every fucking one of those has been a part of killing more innocent people than I ever could…
I have never killed an innocent person, myself. I have no guilt, no shame about any of the acts I did, against men like that first 1…
That “monster”.. When I was “cleaning up”..?? I found some “souvenirs’ that he had.. From 5 boys… 5 boys… In this little lock box he’d had hidden in his vehicle. Broke it open of course, knowing something valuable had to be in a lock box.. There were some things.. I thought that they were “Magic Mushrooms”.. I’d read about those, knew they could be dried and stored. Or they were Peyote buttons. Which also, I had never seen. Just these 5 all dried up and shriveled dark brownish, kind of black, a little leathery. Like little dried out Sombreros I thought. Took me a while to notice the hairs.. they were very fine hairs, not many of them, and kind of all curled up and flat to the surface. Hard to see.. And I smelled one, thinking I’d get a clue.. But it had a really nasty, rotten,scent to it.. this weird”sweetness”.. It hit me. I knew that scent. I smelled it off the side of roads sometimes, where some big animal had gotten hit by a vehicle and killed.. Drug off to the side and left to rot…
That’s when I knew what those 5 little dried up things were.. I had that same little sack thing, with about the same few hairs on it, hanging between my legs.. Only my scrotum was still full and pink, warm and alive.
5 boys at least, that that man had picked up hitch hiking before he’d picked up me.
Their bones were probably right around there somewhere where I left his body.. That’s where he had brought me..
I could almost believe that there really was a God.. Just because of the way that had all worked out.. I was having a really hard time, with what I had done to that man the night before.. Until I found those. I had been thinking about suicide. I didn’t know how to drive, hadn’t ever done that, was way out in the country, and down this old logging trail.Had his vehicle and all that shit that was in it. Scared shitless of the police. Had been living on the streets.. Ran away from some foster homes.. Bad shit happened to me before ever I met that man. Had stolen the little pistol that I shot him with in a burglary morning a the day he picked me up. Only reason that I’m alive today is because I burglarized some strangers house and stole that little pistol. a little .22 That house actually had a bunch of guns in it, there were some 5 or 6 Revolvers or Pistols in that drawer, but I only took that little .22 because it fit my hand so perfect, like a toy pistol. I’d never shot one before. I’d been thinking about suicide for along time before then… Might have done it that day. Had found a couple of weapons in his vehicle, and a bunch of pills..All pharmaceuticals. I didn’t know about them but knew they were “drugs”. Broke open that lockbox, sure that there had to be more drugs in it..
Not a single person in the world knows who I really am, or where I come from… No other person could ever know what impacts that others “act” against my person did have. What it hurt within me, or how great my pain.. No one else knows.. And no one else has the right to judge anything about me… Unless I have trespassed against you personally.
Anyone trespasses against me? I am the only one to decide the price that one will fucking pay.
I could give a fuck less what anybody thinks of me or anything I do. My life is mine own to live as I see fit, and no other.
Natural law, the only law that I follow, and I follow with every fiber of my being.. Anything fucks with me personally and I become natural law. That’s just how it fucking is. Anyone, raise a hand against me, or anyone else I care for? It doesn’t matter to what degree. I might filet a man out and put his back straps on the barbeque to see if Human “Filet’s” really do taste like pork? I have wondered about that, after reading about the practices of some of south Pacific Island peoples. People from outside the tribe were often “labeled” as “Long Pork”, and hunted down for dinner.. I read that those “Back straps” the Top Sirloin human ‘cut’ were really tasty and reserved for the head man and Top warriors only.. Been kinda’ curious for a taste test my own self, ever since. Pork roasts, pork chops, carnitas? I like alla’ that.
As I have said before? I really don’t have a fuck to give for what anyone thinks of me. Barbequing a motherfucker is definitely on my list of interests.
You got a problem with me? I’m really easy to find. And would be interested in discussing it with you, face to face. My door is always open to anyone who has a problem with me. I am very solution oriented, and will happily help anyone find the solution needed for their problem.
Serious as a heart attack. Anyone having issues with me I am always ready to deal with, some kind of way. I will listen to another’s words very carefully, respectfully. Taking them into me and seeing how they “felt?”.. Question myself, and look at whatever part of me needed.. and compare values?
Maybe you will prove to be correct in your thinking.. I could learn of some defect of character or judgement of mine. And then, could perhaps correct it. Might perhaps want to follow more of your thinking, because I would be needing to find a way, to try to make that issue right for you… If correct in your thinking I find you.
I would do no harm, of mine own intent.. That I care nothing for some others laws or values does not make me personally lawless, or valueless. I have a strict code of ethics and strong moral values. That they are not your values does not alter their validity.
I have killed. That was called for by that situation… It was the most moral and ethical judgement possible.. But? The “evil” that I have most often attacked? More times than anything else by far, over far more years?
Litter.. Trash.. Fucking cigarette butts especially.. There have been years that I have picked up trash every single day I walked anywhere.. I just couldn’t walk by plastic crap or broken bottles especially I always had to pick up every piece… Trash, common litter, I guess that is kinda’ like my “Prey base”. I still today, do I see a plastic bag blowing around, I’ll snatch it up, and then I have to search out enough other litter to fill up that bag before I find a proper receptacle for its disposal. If I can fill 1 bag of trash early in a day and dispose of it proper? Then I can ignore whatever litter I feel like for the rest of that day. I’m not all that obsessive about it anymore.. But still today, I can’t go for a hike without carry an empty 2 bags.. Because its been unfortunately way too easy to fill a single bag in a half day hike…. I’ve hauled out big screen t.vs. and dumped appliances more than once, from the back country. Any idiot dumping trash out out off of some country road that I see has got a major health issue immediately.. Because he’s out being a scuzz bag, there are no witnesses to what I’m about to do to him.. Pull right up to him in my vehicle and don’t even get out, already had the window down..”Pop Pop Pop”.. 3 fat chunks a lead to the chest, and back on the gas and down the road a ways before I pull over and turn off my vehicle. Sit there and listen. Consider what action next, best suits me, and preserves my anonymity. Each situation is unique unto itself and needs a response that fits the parameters…
This has never happened, I want to make that very clear.. But I have thought about it more than a couple of times… It feels very good and right.. But have not owned a gun in well over 20 years.. Sold or gave away my bows. It stopped being okay with me to hunt animals like that anymore.. I’m not against hunting for ones own meat.. But, I dunno’ .. It was too easy for me.. I never missed, filled my tags every year I ever hunted. Never had a shot much over 20 yards, and the last Elk I took at about 5 yards. All with a Bow and Arrow except the first Elk , the first time I’d hunted. Took him at around 600 yards, other side a this canyon from me. 1 shot kill with my .338 magnum Remington A 700 BDL which I had invested serious money into accurizing it, and learning how to shoot well. Only ever shot that 1 Bull Elk with it though. Early morning on opening day.. I got real depressed, because the hunt was over so quick! Bought my first Bow before the end of that month. Had decided “Hunting” with a rifle or firearm was basically unethical for me, and dishonest. It was shooting something. Not “Hunting”. Not “fair”. I was too good with a rifle, the obsessive that I was? I must have fired at least 2,000 rounds on the range before that first hunt. Most between 300 to 700 yards in practice. Have put 5 bullets into 1 single hole, paper targets at 100 yards from the bench.. But I knew that Rifle real well, and loved to shoot it.. Just, only at the range after that first hunt.
Civil law? I piss on it. A trap.. Deceptive as fuck.. But basically the same old biblical, White racist Patriarchal bullshit, the “Wise Man/ God” Paradigm, evil to any free being, and harmful to the species as a whole. Civil law is based on the false assumption, that every “Good” person shares the same good ethics and morality, at base.. That there is a “Human Norm” for all behaviors. Establishes that code, and a hierarchy to enforce orthodoxy, with an “Authority Figure” at the top to “Judge” any disagreement or dispute, the “Wise Man/ leader myth perpetuated, underpins the establishment of the “POLICE STATE” and reserves the right to final moral judgement of any dispute between people to the state. The greatest injustice of that “civil law”, is that the right to do violence to anyone, for any reason, is reserved to the “Civil State”. Leaving the Authority figures at the top of the social pyramid with the right to assign whatever value to Human life, or death they wish, and dispense either as that Authority may choose.
The fact that “LAWS” are enshrined in pretty documents and expensive papers, has no meaning whatever. Little flags, symbols, or signs upon it. Are meaningless. Lady Liberty? No more than a gang sign. Could be a spray painted MS~13, as that gang is the law in that place. A Criminal Gang is a Criminal Gang. I don’t do stupid shit like that. Politics ? Smoke and mirrors. Obfustication and outright lying to your face. Illusions for the weak mind peasants who are so easily entertained by such frippery and nonsense.
When looked at objectively, examined from all the angles with a critical eye?
Civil law is poachers trap, designed to capture the weak minded and lazy, and impress them into slavery.
Civil laws deadliest hidden “hook” ? Is that it plays to humanities emotions, and plays ON the human instinct for “society:.. A “civil”, kind social group… Family..
Promotes the ideal that “To be civil” is the “Human norm”, as are the Father, “Authority Figures”. There has to be a “Head” at the top, in charge.. As all wisdom can only flow down from the top…
This is the myth behind civil law. Do you disagree? I would invite anyone to prove me wrong with facts, please?
Until then, I will be governed by the laws of Nature, and my nature, alone. I can accept no higher authority than Nature itself.
I’m not real sure how long humanity has been working on creating some way to govern itself.. ? Had to have started about the same time as agricultural kicked off though..So, looking at history itself one can make some observations.. I myself can’t think of any human “social grouping” based around the “civil laws/ “Governing” hypothesis that has worked out. over any great length of time in the past.. Not a 1.. Except maybe, Iceland.. Which kind of does have the same social structure and governance style for.. Fucking A! Around 1,000 years I’m thinking.. Wow..
That’s pretty frigging impressive now that I think about it.. But kinda’ unique too, as human societies go.. Pretty much all one ethnic group, and Vikings. Because the few Aleuts, the indigenous inhabitants were immediately disenfranchised by said Vikings who took all of their rights unto themselves. Not civil much, Vikings are about as Anarchist as any social group has ever managed to be, I think.. And all living on this big island, sharing no border with any other country? No neighbors pissing them off makes being peaceful a whole lot easier for any family. But how often does this ever happen in reality?
Statistical anomaly I’ll just ignore, Iceland.. Hahahaha!
That one who I was just “got broken” as a child. It doesn’t matter how. Lots of things get broken. There are some breaks that stay broke. You don’t ever get whatever was lost, back. Had to learn how to survive. To conceal everything, total deception…Was the direct result of those “People” I first experienced. Before I ever knew what “learning” even was. I knew that deception of “People” was the only way that I might survive that contact.. Before I ever knew the meaning of those words, I was living them. Tough enough being born autistic.. Add a practicing “Dominant” sadist to “model’ male behavior. the maternal unit in the “BDSM” contract a “Flip”, because she could “Go” either way. Both of whom believed in “corporal” punishment.. Ol’ pops lusted for it. He’ just loved to cause physical pain. Had to see physical damage before he could “get off”.. Torn skin, blood, stripes.. Strip me naked and beat stripes into my back, top a the shoulders to the back a my knees. Could make it look checkerboard style, or whip those “stripes” around me in a curve, make me look like a barber shop pole…
I know that I am some kind of twisted, torn up… something.. I don’t think that I am evil..? I would die trying to help some innocent in need. Almost have before. Helped out a lotta’ friggin’ strangers, and especially the “damaged ones” Those young ones of today, got turned out. Victimized for years and then made homeless. I do the best that I can to help the damaged ones, even though I don’t even like having anyone physically close to me. And you can’t trust a one a the broken kids. Little addicts, hookers and thieve’s, mental health issues, bi fucking polar.. I put up with some major bullshit sometimes, and about all of them have to steal something.. Its like they can’t help it…
I can remember how that was… To be that broken down… I shrink away inside, don’t even want to think about even a little bit, of those first bad things that happened…
I feel soo sad for most of these young and lost… Because “That I am”, was born with a true gift, that none of the broken ones I’ve met have ever had…
I was born Autistic, and that is what saved me. That is what has let me live through all of these years alone.. All of the years since I stopped hurting any other real Human beings, and quit doing all of those things that I had been hurting myself with doing…
And fucking A I can tell you.. That’s when life got really fucking hard.. What I feel inside sometimes? Pain is meaningless word beside that bottomless fucking pit of emptiness.. I can’t even describe..
Nothing but screaming, shrieking winds in an empty, void…
That sound? Is being alone .Always and forever alone , is what that sound screams. One of the first “True Things” that I ever discovered for myself. I remember how it used to put me to sleep, when I was a child… I wish it still worked like that.
I do know… That I am all fucked up inside… Beyond fucking hope of any kind of repair. I don’t even know what hope is.
The choice was never mine to make. No one will ever know that pain, an ocean of fucking pain. I don’t know how I live with it.. And maybe? That’s what’s at the bottom of the heart attacks, the strokes.. All my systems breaking down now. First heart attack happened shortly after my ex and her idiot Mormon husband got the courts to void all of my custody rights and they stole my children away from me.. Most especially my daughter, who is also Neurally Divergent, but severely impacted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Primarily non verbal.. And she and I had the most incredible bond… I could hold her, carry her all day long sometimes. Dancing and singing to her, everywhere I went she went too.. She filled a big part of this bottomless pit inside me now.
And I never did anything against the ruling of that court, or my ex or that pervert she’s married to.
I cannot. I would do no harm to anyone, as best that I can manage… Even such as they!
Who stole from me the most incredible love and beauty, wonder, the best that I knew or felt in life.. They stole that from me. I had no choice, but to let them go their way. That that I am? My Ethical is “built in”. Morality I will not, that I cannot violate. Even when that “Human” part within me wants to obliterate the source of his pain… That that I am am most? Takes the weight of all of that pain, all the fucking years of pain before that even.. Gives that broken human part what comfort he can accept.
That one, Predator me? I can’t even imagine, how he can hold it all…And still be that strong… That he could take what those 2 did to him,, They stole the only human being that he had ever known any words with. The only Love he could ever open up to, they stole.. mostly out of spite. I paid no child support and would not. They had violated me, trespassed, lied.. My ex broke the marriage contract. Met that scumbag at her church, whose doors I would never enter. Having the Ethical code I do… Came home early from work one day and found the 2 of them in the shower together..
Got split custody in the divorce, but would not, could not pay them a penny after. So they decided to steal the children away from me, thinking that they could force me to pay, to keep that shared custody. Autistic me cannot be forced. Could do no harm to them, wouldn’t do anything to make a bad thing worse.. So turned his back and walked away, Nothing else he could do, but shut the door on that past and walk away. Accept that pain.
There is no going back.. It was a month or so after I’d lost custody.. I’d been out in the mountains since the day it happened.. Did the best memorial service that I figure, and accepted that my children were dead and gone to me.. Sept. of 2014..
Its irrevocable now. I wouldn’t even let her or “their kids” get anywhere close to me now. Blocked every attempt, every phone number of anyone we ever had in common.. Some of who I cared for tremendously.. My ex was , is still, not all of her families “favorite person”. Her closest relatives all knew me too.. 2 years into my grieving the loss, was when some of her family members started to call me, and with the first conversation I knew.. The ex had changed her mind for whatever reason, but I heard that the kids were really acting out.. Didn’t want to hear anymore so blocked them all.. She’s a foreign national, her family overseas, it was easy to block them all out.
I know its really fucked, for those 2 kids..So there’s that addition to the weight on me. That that I am does not back up, does not alter his path a single step.. He can only be that one way.. This me who writes would have had it otherwise… but even that is too late now. I don’t know anything about those children anymore, who they are.. The bond is broken. They truly are dead to me now. I feel that.
What their mother did? Whatever results she gets of it? Whatever damaged people those kids are now? That’s all on her, and she can deal with it. I am at the limits of my strength, just fighting death back daily, so badly do I yearn to be dead and gone from this Earth. If I let myself see what those have become under her and that slime molds care? I seriously doubt that I could stop myself from acting out like never before. Her, the husband, her ward of that church. Somebody would have to kill me to end it, and then where would the kids be? Orphans.. State custody at least for some time….
I cannot even take the chance of seeing my children… I had to let them die to me. ..
And I am dying fast now.. Kind of like trading my life for theirs.
There is only one way that I can ever be “okay” with anybody at all. To even have the chance of being okay with anybody else. Only through complete, wide open, soul searching self honesty. I have to know myself first, in every way that I can, as deep as I can find a way to see inside myself . I needed to know and understand everything, all of the reasons “Why?” Before I ever act, out in the world.. I have to question myself about my motives… My reasoning.. Because I would do no harm to any other human of my own free will..
Killing my children’s “Parents?” That would be a soul shattering kind of thing to them.. I can’t even risk that…. That that I am most of KNOWS THIS.. Knew it in the beginning, before I ever did. That I could cause that breaking to their lives. So he turned his back on them and walked away.. It was the only path that was true to his love for them, and within his moral boundary… I just realized that earlier today.
Just how I am. I can’t do anything much but accept this world and people as is, and try to negotiate my way through all of the insanity, without contributing any more to it myself. I don’t know the way for anyone else. No way that I ever could know, for anyone else, what they need to be doing for themselves. Have to keep searching a way out for myself, each new day that I wake up to. I don’t even know what’s best for my own children.. I just knew that their mother and stepfather were no longer safe from me, and what that could well lead to.. Hardest thing that I have ever had to do.. Every single day. And yeah, I do know that is what is killing me now…
And that’s okay with me.
So.. I’ve been “letting go”.. Of all of the anger that I used to cling to, as best as I can manage it. Practice acceptance daily. Staying “in Gratitude” for the blessings that I have and know; find gifts and blessings every time that I really get “Observant”, in all kinds of very small things in this world. Try very hard to bother no one, ever.
What this world never saw in me, I couldn’t see in myself either.. For far too many years.
The fact is, that when I go all the way down? Deep within, letting go of everything human, embrace that “Wild one” . Give myself over to that… “Instinct and intuition”…???
I could never hurt anybody. Even when ‘I” am all the way gone. Predator only. Apex and Alpha, lost every word… To cause harm to any Human being, any life at all, has no part in the ‘Being that I am’.. That innermost, hidden me.. This “Public Me” cannot even communicate with “that being” that I most truly am. I share much in his senses, but “he” stands above and beyond me.
Now, in this moment, having difficulty with words.. That one who I am most? Has no words. Has no need of words. Does not conceptualize in “language”. Is well aware. Knows numbers. Knows all that it needs to know in every moment.. Is always ‘in the moment’. Observant. Observing with every sense, and sensitive to every single slightest thing that it can observe within “its circle of life”.
That one wants understanding only.. Each and every passing moment brings it new understanding, yet always buffered by the sense of how small “that I am”, how limited in vision. The feeling of awe, a wonder at life and all it cannot know of it. Is deep and wide in that one who I am, at heart. In my soul.
In that “space” when there is no “human consciousness” in that being I am in fact ? I’m a just a simple “part of” that “Whole that I am sensing”. Interconnected. Interdependent. Sensing something of “That, that I am” in all that I observe, all that I can sense.
Its not even a “me”, individual kind of thing. Which is why I can do no harm to another life, human or any other life. That one can make no sense of harming any part of “that that I am”.
Having to work at texting, finding the words, right this instant. My innermost self is repelled by my thinking such things. Intruding. Impinging that “Awareness of Being”.
Strange to me it is, how difficult it really fucking is. To open up… When trying to be all the way “Me”. That which I am in fact.
Should any part of that, which I do love and cherish in life? Be threatened with harm? Is another matter completely. Those things that would do harm, or pose a grave damage to any part of “That which I love”… Things that prey on the innocent? Those are my desired prey. Nothing else I could be.
Those few.. A few times great violence has happened. What I did, I own. I can kill without a thought. Do something other punishing, if ending that life was uncalled for. I am considered in that judgement. Measured.. According to mine own built in value system. But never one time has there been any intent, any malice in me before that moment Predator acts. I have people treat me heinously sometimes, like ex wives, or their new meal ticket.. And never even raised my voice to them. I don’t even respond generally. I just turn and walk away. I can “walk away” from situation’s many “Normal People” often fail to. If I sense no threat to my life, or any of the life I love? I just turn my back and walk away. I have no problem with letting other peoples problems stay their own.. I only defend my life. It is only instinct in response. Natural law. It is all motivated, empowered by the intensity of that which I feel first.. Such love for all that life is, in its innocence and beauty. Defend that in an instant, I would.. That one that I am most..? I think that maybe? More than anything else, love is what drives all that one is…
But love is a word and he knows it not…His “focus” is “Outward”…???
Frustration… I know who I am.. but I cannot put that “knowing” into any words that can make it “intelligible”… Even for myself, this self who can communicate with any “other”. Cannot communicate it to “that self”
I would do no harm if there is anyway I can avoid it. Will do the opposite of harm; Oppose harm at any time or place. That which empowers that being that I am, is “Love of Life in all of its parts”.. The core. The foundation of. The only “Pure Truth” that one knows. That one that I am “Knows” nothing else but that, truly.
He can feel, only.. He has no words.. Cannot grasp any meaning in those twisty, cold, bars and hard wire, metal “things”.. They are not “real” to that one that I am the most. I can’t make any real claim to understanding, myself. Always that hurts me. Knowing that.. I cannot communicate to my innermost being. A hard thing to live with, all of my years… the Autistic that so many have always feared.. And not 1 person ever “knew me” as I am, most truly, if left alone to be who I was born being.
Not 1 person ever… Those people I used to be able to see sometimes? Really see them, feel their being inside me? Never could see “Me”.. That which I am most truly.. They could only see from their own understanding… No one has ever been inside, here with me.
So bleak… There are times when I lose everything, am blinded by that knowing. All is wasteland. Screaming, howling winds through the abyss.. That sound…. Ripping, tearing, things unknown being torn into pieces… Being scoured. Sandblasted. Shotgunned..
This “Place” I discovered… When I was very young. Very small… The first “Safe place” I ever found.. As a child I could hide in that.. Down low to the ground.. It felt like finding cracks, holes in the rocks, going under that “surface”, and hiding in the dark beneath. The howling winds a comfort to me.. No one could see me, no one could hear me.. I could scream all that I needed to, in safety. I would always fall asleep there and it was always warm.. No bad dreams. I could lose myself in the winds, hear nothing but the screaming outside, and that hid me.
That was a long time ago. That child long gone. Safe place? Meaningless words.
Always, some part of me has been grieving. Crying crying crying. Some part of me has often had this one thought…
“If only they could know , all that I am… Not a one would ever fear me. Feel that need to control me. If only they could know…”
All of the writing that I do? I do for myself alone. Trying to make sense of “something” that I don’t even know… Do often wish, that my words might find some kind of meaning in some ‘other’. That some one person might really “see me”.. But that is just wishful thinking.
I still wait. Observing. Hanging on as long as I can make it happen. That one I am most truly? There is no “quit” in “That that I am”. This body is dying right now, a little more every passing day of late. It seems a small matter. That one that I am will go on without it very soon, I’ve been sensing.
So I write, hoping to make sense of myself, to myself. Not really understanding why. Its always been about me, within me somewhere. I understand that fact, though it makes no clear sense to me, really, the why of it.
To be that “centered in self”…??? I am not understanding this.. Can’t grasp what it means, in its totality. Can’t quite get any clear meanings from any of the words that I know.
It hurts me always.. But again, oh well.. Such is life. Pain always somewhere in it.. I can only accept it. Having learned now, to handle the weight of it. Know that its my pain alone. A certain amount of pain comes with being alive, and everyone has their own pain to live with, as I have long been observing.
I own every part of my life today; Have the responsibility for all of “me”. Every thought, feeling, act… Inescapably my own responsibility always.
Paradoxically, maybe the only true freedom that I have.